What Do You Have To Prove?

As the youngest sibling, I spent a lifetime trying to keep up with the accomplishments, expectations, and approval of my older sisters. As a mom, I have found myself wanting to prove my coolness to my kids and show them I’m still with it. As a wife, I’ve wanted to prove that I’m a caring partner. And the list goes on and on.

The need for approval

In general, we often try to prove ourselves by working hard and trying to impress our loved ones. But having a blood cancer diagnosis can bring the need for approval to a whole new level.

In ways, this need can help to motivate us in our day to day activities. I know when I was going through treatment, I made a vow that I was going to be the one to prepare meals every day, no matter how bad I felt. I wanted to make sure my husband wasn’t overwhelmed with having to do too much. I also wanted to impress him with my culinary skills. Okay, that last one may be a stretch, but I knew he would be impressed with my effort.

Wanting to prove that I can still do it all

I have wanted to prove that I could drive myself to my medical appointments, walk, run, bike and some days just get out of bed. The need to prove things has been dependent on where I am in my treatment cycle or if I’m in remission or approaching relapse. No matter when or why, the need for approval has seemed to lead to a feeling of overwhelm.

Lately, I have been asking myself “Whose approval am I really trying to gain?” And the clearest answer to that question is (that’s right, you guessed it) myself.

Deep down, I have found myself wishing to be stronger than ever before. I imagine being able to walk farther and the ability to play endlessly with the grandkids. I want to retain the things I read and hear in conversation and have the mental clarity to repeat them back. My dream is to go to the hematologist and be told that everything looks perfect. But are all of these expectations necessary in order to feel my best?

I'm happiest when I'm not trying to prove anything

I find today that I am the happiest on the days and in the moments when I have nothing to prove, not to myself or to anyone else. When I can set aside any potential judgments, I am most content. I’m not saying that I live in this space 24/7, but I do find peace when I can bring myself back to it.

If I’m being honest, the blood cancer diagnosis has often left me feeling unworthy. It can make me feel like an outsider at times. It can also bring feelings of overwhelm when I’m unable to do things I used to do. But I keep finding ways for expectations to keep me from feeling less about myself.

Finding calm and gratitude

I know it’s not for everyone, but meditation takes me to higher places. And when I add prayer before meditating, answers to my prayers seem to come flowing effortlessly. Even short meditations are very calming. I find guided meditations on YouTube or Insight Timer, but there are many other resources out there as well.

Repeating positive affirmations has become a must do activity in my daily routine. I like to come up with my own to fit whatever I am feeling.  I sometimes  turn to YouTube and Insight Timer again when it feels challenging to get into this headspace. There is also a book I keep returning to called Mirror Work by Louise Hay. It guides the reader through a 3 week affirmation and journaling process in order to find self love. I have seen very positive changes when I actually follow through with the suggestions.

Remembering to be grateful

This leads me to another daily practice, gratitude journaling. It reminds me of all of the things I CAN do. And finding gratitude helps lift me out of the space of feeling I need to do and be more. Journaling in general has been a lifeline for me in staying connected to my own needs, dreams and desires. It provides a safe space to express the good, bad and the ugly of what I am feeling and release it from my system.

Today I come back to the place of reminding myself and all of you that when we love and honor ourselves, we have nothing to prove. When we truly find love for ourselves, that becomes our motivation, our strength, our wisdom. WE are enough! YOU are enough, right now! You inspire others just by being here. We rarely have a clear picture of the lives we’ve touched. So please, just keep being YOU and loving yourself for it.