Survivor's Guilt

This is something that I really struggle with and it never seems to get any better. I’m fine and then out of nowhere BHAM. I hear that someone I was at school with has died from cancer. Someone I knew through a cancer charity has died. Someone in the media spotlight has died.  Everyone dies. It just makes me feel guilty that I’m still alive when the person died after a cancer diagnosis.

I don’t quite know where this guilt has come from. Is it inherent? Is it because I’m a middle child? Is it because I’m a therapist? It is because I’m more self-aware than others? I don’t know.

Guilt meets jealousy

I also know that I get upset that the person then receives attention for being dead. Truly ridiculous I know. Ludicrous. No one wants to die young. And then I sit feeling awful that I’m still alive and yet also jealous at all the attention they are getting. Where’s my recognition for all that I do? For getting out of bed every day? For smiling and saying I’m ok when I’m not, shen all I want to do is sit on the floor and cry? For getting on with my life the best way I can even though it’s so restricted? Where is my praise? Not that they know that all this is happening. Because they are no longer here. And I am.

Getting this across without making me sound like a truly hideous person will probably be quite challenging. Maybe I’m just too honest and voice what others think but don’t say aloud.

I have a cancerversary every year to celebrate all the good that has come from my diagnosis. And there is so much. I wouldn’t change my diagnosis, I would definitely change things that have happened, but being told I had cancer has meant that I have done some amazing things. And I am shown every year by my friends and family how loved I am.  How special I am to them. I’m told it. I get cards that I treasure full of amazing words of how admired I am. That I’m an inspiration. But I still question that. I don’t take the praise that I crave. Because I whinge so much of the time.

A feeling that only others with cancer understand

To be guilty of my treatment working for me when it doesn’t for others is completely nonsensical.  No one benefits from a thought process like that, especially not me. Yet I can’t seem to stop it from happening. It doesn’t seem to get easier with time either. I feel this is just a bit of a ramble considering it’s an important topic and I know that others feel it too. When I have mentioned it when with others who have had or have cancer, there is a sense of agreement amongst us about it. When I mention it to those who don’t have and haven’t had cancer, they just think I’m a complete lunatic and can’t even begin to think why or how I could feel guilty for living.

Maybe it’s only a thing that you truly get when you become part of this ‘club’. Not as elite as it used to be with as cancer diagnoses on the rise. It’s not really a club that you want to be in either. But it has its pluses. Sometimes you can say a phrase like ‘survivor’s guilt’ and there is an understanding. No words need to be said. You just know that you aren’t alone with it.