Fighting Duvet Days Instead of Allowing Them
I rarely feel like an ill person. Well, unless I have a cold but that only happens once or twice a year. And I think it’s good to get a cold a couple of times a year. It’s good for the immune system to do what it needs to do... to remind it what its job is! I am lucky in that way that my immune system is so good. But, I eat really well and do all sorts of Naturopathic things to help my body, so in a way, it’s not that surprising.
Sometimes forgetting about cancer
I also don’t think every day ‘oh, I have cancer’. Sometimes I forget (I know that sounds really weird) and then I remember. When I remember, it’s like a smack in the face. The reality of it all... it’s too much. So I only allow it for those few moments. And then I get on with life, as much as I can.
Recently, my fatigue has been awful. Really bad. Last night, I had 13 hours sleep. I feel better for it. But not re-energised. Not good. I still feel heavy. As though I could have slept more. But then I didn’t want to not sleep tonight.
I never feel ready to get up. I make myself because of work or, on the weekend, I have to do ‘adulting’. Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry. All those things you have to do. Well, unless you have enough money to pay someone else to do it for you. Sadly, I’m not there yet and I live on my own so if I don’t do it, it won’t get done.
My flat is messier and not as clean as I would like. But I can’t make it any better with the capacity that I have. So I just live with how it is and accept that I’m doing the best I can. And to be honest, if I really really really couldn’t stand it, I would spend a day cleaning. And I think that day is not far away, but at the moment it is how it is.
Reminders of cancer
Today, I’m having a bed day. A proper duvet day. Getting up for drinks and food but then getting back into bed. And enjoying it! It feels amazing. I don’t feel guilty because I’m at my parents, they are out and there is nothing else to do! And I know that everyone does this once in a while if they can. I just feel like it’s a reminder that I'm actually not as well as my peers. That I have to do this to be able to function. That it’s not really a choice, it’s a necessity for survival. And that makes me feel like an ill person. And I hate it. It makes me feel cheated by life. So I fight it. I refuse to allow it. And the only one who suffers is me, which I know is stupid. And I know that by doing this it means that this coming week I will be better for it. I will be able to think. To process. To function. So today I will do my best not to fight it and to just let it be.
And maybe have a snooze later.
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