Have You Been “Ghosted “ For Having Cancer ?

There is no cure for it, you can’t take meds for it, you have no control over it.

It’s called being "ghosted."

What is being ghosted? Being ghosted is when, after diagnosis, treatment, relapse or even survival, folks, including family and very close friends, choose to ignore your existence as if nothing traumatic has occurred in your life. Why that is, I truly don’t know.

Why do they ignore me after I was diagnosed?

Of course in the beginning there are the “Oh my God. I’m so sorry!" reactions. The “Let me know if you need anything" remarks, and the “ Well, my cousin’s coworker’s aunt had that same cancer and she’s fine. You’ve got this, don’t worry, you’ll be fine too,” and the worst - nothing at all.

Maybe it’s their own fear of their own mortality, maybe we’re not fun anymore because we are unpredictable at making and keeping plans due to overwhelming fatigue, depression, doctors appointments, treatment side effects or sadly, a lack of empathy on their part.

I'm not the same person I was before cancer

I admit I’m not the same vibrant person I was BC (before cancer - large granular lymphocytic (LGL) leukemia, T cell lymphoma, and multiple myeloma). Add in copious amounts of chemo, a stem cell transplant, and a few relapses, and they don’t want to understand even if you try to explain our new “normal!"

Feeling tossed away like freezer-burned fish

I remember shortly after my diagnosis, a phone call with my sister ( a nurse who lives only about a half hour away) about my fears and mounting anxiety. This was in January. She told me that she knows how much I love seafood so she bought some Dover sole, put it in the freezer and would have my husband and me to her home very soon for dinner. It meant much to me.

Well the month of June arrived and I asked her- hey how’s that Dover sole doing, is it freezer burnt yet ? Apparently it had been freezer burnt according to her and she needed to throw it out. If you know anything about seafood it can safely be frozen for up to a year.

Lol, this isn’t about seafood at all, it’s about feeling tossed aside in a great time of need for compassion and understanding.

Forgotten by friends and coworkers

Then there are the coworkers who felt like family, who would say things at the end of the day such as - see you tomorrow, love you, but after diagnosis, treatment, whatever, would all get together to have girls night, or celebrate friend’s birthdays, etc., and neglect to invite the cancer patient.

Maybe I may have not felt well enough to join them, maybe I would have. Just asking is monumental to someone suddenly feeling isolated and trying to navigate a new normal, a new ME.

If you can't reciprocate, don't come

Now this is the best… after transplant and still on chemo, my husband and I continued to host certain celebrations - birthdays, 4th of July pool parties and just get togethers for the purpose of fostering family and togetherness. My sister in law and I would share holiday entertaining. I loved it "BC."

The first Thanksgiving after stem cell transplant she invited my husband, my son and me to Thanksgiving dinner. I said we would love that very much, but I had become so weak that I wanted her to know I would not be able to reciprocate for Christmas or Christmas Eve.

In my world I would have said, "Don’t you worry about that. We’d love for you and your family to join us (all 6 of them)."

Her response - "Well. let’s hope for better health next year." It was an unspoken statement of - well, if you can’t reciprocate this year because you have cancer, then you’re not invited……And we’re not ones to show up empty handed, far from it.

Being ghosted teaches you who you can rely on

I’m by no means having a pity party, or looking to be coddled or put on a pedestal. I’m just sharing my experiences with being ghosted and asking if any of you have experienced it.

In time I’ve come to realize that even those we love and trusted the most to be a form of strength for our small, yet fabulous family of three when we needed them the most don’t know how, or care to step up to the plate. At first it was confusing and hurtful but it’s actually quite freeing to release toxic energy and relationships that no longer serve us.

Well I’ve got to go and plan a delightful, and peaceful Thanksgiving for my wonderful family of three. I wish you all the best holiday season that you are able to enjoy and experience. Blessings and love .

Oh, and I’m quite grateful for as I call this group- our family of friends we’ve never met, but know we have each other’s backs. Cheers!❤️