nichola75's Status Updates

"Gosh, I’m having a bad few days. I’m trying so hard but feel quite low. You wouldn’t know to look at me. I’m doing a really great job of enjoying the school holidays with the girls. I’ve been out with friends and family and and carrying on as normal. That’s hard though isn’t it, when you do such a good job of putting on a brave face but inside your own head is a different story. I’m disappointed with myself. I thought I was doing ok, that I’d got better at managing when actually - these last few days - all the thoughts and feelings I had in the past have come back. I’m feeling anxious, I feel panic in my chest and I’m so tearful. I’m feeling extremely guilty about feeling like this which adds to the pressure to snap out of it. I have a friend going for chemo next week and she can’t see her family for 10 days. She is petrified and there is me, on watch and wait, feeling and looking healthy. I know I shouldn’t compare. I know that’s dangerous but surely, at some point, I should thank my lucky stars I’m not in their shoes. But I can’t shake this feeling. I can’t shake the panic, the fear of the unknown and the bigger fear of knowing it’s never going away. I can’t get rid of the tight feeling in my chest. I can’t stop my mind from thinking about it almost every minute of every day, during conversations, watching TV, listening to a music. So, thats me today. A bit of a rant because I don’t know what else to do. I’m worried that this low feeling is holding on to me quite tightly at the moment. So tomorrow I will get up and try again and hopefully as the week goes on it will start to improve. If it doesn’t at least I’m aware of it and have the support I need to help me work through it - the challenge here is being honest and asking for the help. Lots to work on this week. Thanks for listening X "

"Morning All. I’m lying here, struggling to get back off to sleep and was just curious about others sleep patterns. During the day my mind is kept busy and I can go for longer periods not thinking about my lymphoma. However, at nighttime, when I’m tired and desperate for sleep - my mind has a different idea! I find it extremely difficult to relax. I’ve tried music and audio books and this is somewhat effective in helping me get to sleep (at times) but I more than often wake again. This is the loneliest time for me. Do any of you have the same problem and have found anything useful to help? I know it will never be perfect but if I can improve it a little I’m hoping the fatigue might improve a little too X "

"This is a difficult one for me because I pressurise and question myself all of the time. When will it start to feel better? When will I start to feel easier about the diagnosis and what may or may not come? For me, two years after diagnosis, this hasn’t happened. This morning I had a thought that perhaps that’s just the ways it’s going to be and in fact that’s what I need to accept. I compare stories and coping strategies and try to reassure myself that the way I’m handling things is ok. I always do this! Over the past two years I don’t think I’ve used this information positively. I think I’ve realised today that coping mechanisms are very individual and depend a lot on past life experiences. When thinking about acceptance I’m sure it will get easier as time goes on but I truly don’t believe I will ever accept this. So, instead of worrying about when and how acceptance will happen I’m going to just try to accept that, at the moment this is how it is. I’m not going to give myself a hard time about feeling like this but Instead, look at ways of managing those feelings. Beating myself up about getting on with life and not wasting a minute hasn't done me any favours, in fact it’s made it worse. I’ve spent more minutes wasting time worrying about this than anything else. So, acceptance to me is no longer about accepting the blood cancer and living a new normal but accepting the way I’m feeling now and that this is the new normal at the moment. I’ll get support, I’ll still read all the wonderful contributions on here and take what I can from them, the guts and the courage of all of you but I won’t compare! Who knows, in time the other kind of acceptance might happen naturally X"