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nichola75

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"Gosh, I’m having a bad few days. I’m trying so hard but feel quite low. You wouldn’t know to look at me. I’m doing a really great job of enjoying the school holidays with the girls. I’ve been out with friends and family and and carrying on as normal. That’s hard though isn’t it, when you do such a good job of putting on a brave face but inside your own head is a different story. I’m disappointed with myself. I thought I was doing ok, that I’d got better at managing when actually - these last few days - all the thoughts and feelings I had in the past have come back. I’m feeling anxious, I feel panic in my chest and I’m so tearful. I’m feeling extremely guilty about feeling like this which adds to the pressure to snap out of it. I have a friend going for chemo next week and she can’t see her family for 10 days. She is petrified and there is me, on watch and wait, feeling and looking healthy. I know I shouldn’t compare. I know that’s dangerous but surely, at some point, I should thank my lucky stars I’m not in their shoes. But I can’t shake this feeling. I can’t shake the panic, the fear of the unknown and the bigger fear of knowing it’s never going away. I can’t get rid of the tight feeling in my chest. I can’t stop my mind from thinking about it almost every minute of every day, during conversations, watching TV, listening to a music. So, thats me today. A bit of a rant because I don’t know what else to do. I’m worried that this low feeling is holding on to me quite tightly at the moment. So tomorrow I will get up and try again and hopefully as the week goes on it will start to improve. If it doesn’t at least I’m aware of it and have the support I need to help me work through it - the challenge here is being honest and asking for the help. Lots to work on this week. Thanks for listening X "

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About nichola75

  • Member Since 2018

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