Two and 17 Years Later

Once again I’ve started writing various different blog posts in my head on dog walks, never writing them down or dictating them in a voice note. So by the time I’m back and have time to write. They have gone. Not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

Because it means when I do end up writing, it’s these words. But then again. It also means it’s these words. The words that come to me on walks are probably a bit more profound. A bit more emotive and emotional. Because of processing. Which is what the mind does when you do meditative things. Like going for a walk. Or chopping vegetables.

Years later, blood cancer still impacts me and my family

I currently have a small person on my lap and one of the very few children’s TV programs I can stand on for a bit of still. And quiet.

And it’s a bit surreal writing this. A blog about blood cancer and how it impacts my life with my (not so) baby girl with me. And I also sometimes feel a bit like a fraud writing about me and cancer. Because I have no head space for it at the moment. No time to really think about it and me.

Grateful for my ongoing remission

It’s helped by having such good results. No treatment. No daily reminder. And the longer it goes on for, the more I disassociate from being a person with cancer. Which I am. But it just doesn’t feel like it. Which of course is amazing. And not a bad way to feel about it all.

I also don’t want to not be true to that person. Who is still inside. Hidden away. Where I want it to be. I don’t want to be that person with cancer.

I did not think this was going to go where it’s going. Not that it’s a bad thing. I just don’t know.

Remembering the trama on my cancerversary

January, 2 and 17. Both happen within two days of each other. A birthday and my cancerversary. Which is good and bad.

Good because my focus isn’t on me. It’s on the birthday and how quickly time is going by and all the current age and development brings. Chaos. 

But it’s also not good because I don’t get time for me. To process. My past. Everything that happened. And also. Her birth. So traumatic. I’m still healing from that. So much trauma and emotional damage within two days but also separated by 15 years.

Getting upset all of a sudden

It also means that I get caught unaware and suddenly get upset. For no real reason. Everlong by The Foo Fighters was playing in a cafe yesterday and god that was a hard few minutes. I love that song. I love that band. Meeting Dave Grohl was a dream come true. And yet sitting there listening to it was so hard. All the emotion. Life can be so unexpectedly hard at times.

So another year has passed. 17 years of cancer. 17 years since that phone call. 17 years since my life was taken away from me. 17 years.

And 2 years of my magical baby girl. Who I have because of cancer.