Feeling Different This Year

Well another year has gone by. Another year older. (It was my birthday recently). How the hell has that happened?!

Dreading the cancerversary

And I’ve recently clocked that my mind isn’t as full of my looming cancerversary. Normally, around this time, it starts to creep in. I remember what I was doing the Christmas before my diagnosis. It’s vivid. How I felt. Having to leave the table to lie down as I felt light headed and off. The hair falling out. The lethargy.

Looking back at that 22 year old me, wishing I could somehow give her the heads up about what’s about to happen. I little warning so she can protect herself a bit from it all.  It hangs over it. Makes me a bit teary. Wondering about the what ifs and my parallel universe. How my life would have been.

But this year it’s been different.

Not being on treatment and therefore not being completely annihilated by fatigue helps a lot. Yes I get tired because of my baby. But it’s different. It’s so much more manageable than the heaviness of chronic fatigue.

I am a bit worried about treatment and is every new day one day closer to going back on. My last leukaemic rate was the highest it’s been since I became pregnant. And that worries me a lot. My consultant has agreed that I can go back on a drug that’s safe with breastfeeding if I get to a place where it wouldn’t be safe to leave me off. But as she pointed out, I did feel awful on it. But. I’m willing to put up with that if it means I can carry on feeding my baby for a bit longer. She won’t take a bottle so it’s not as simple as normal.

Holding out to restart treatment

My next blood test is a couple of weeks before her first birthday when things change with nutrition for her from solid food vs breast milk or formula. And my consultant appointment is the day before her first birthday. So we will just have to see what it says. And I’ve just realised it will be 3 days before my 15th cancerversary.

Anyways. As you can probably guess my head is full of her. My baby. Her first Christmas and first birthday which is only two 2 days before my cancerversary.

Yes I still wonder about my parallel universe and what could have been. More from a financially stable perspective.

What could have been

But.

I have her. And her father. My other half. I hate the word partner and it feels a bit weird saying he’s my boyfriend. Anyway. I have him. And our dogs. And suddenly I don’t care as much about my cancerversary. I haven’t even thought to do anything for it and normally I have a lunch or dinner planned by now to celebrate. Because there is so much good.

My baby has happened because I met her father at an event I was invited to by a friend. Who I met because of having cancer.

So this year it’s all a bit different.

I wonder how next year will be.