Re-creating Myself
There’s a corkboard at the front of my desk. I see it when I sit down to write, but I seldom notice the things pinned to it. Today though, one item grabbed my attention; a quote I found a long time ago. It reads:
"Life isn’t about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself."
It had been there so long it lost its meaning. But, for some reason, it spoke to me today.
How many times have I re-created myself?
I wonder how many times I’ve re-created myself. As a little boy, I had no concept of such things. Back then my whole life amounted to just 5 years. Everything was new and exciting. I didn’t have to reinvent myself. I was just me with no concept of time passing.
Re-creation #1
I turned 14 and reinventing myself was almost a daily task. Should I grow my hair longer? What side should I part it on? (By the way, I had hair then.) What clothes should I wear to school? Girls, in all their confusing mystery, became a major focus. I was becoming one of the most annoying creatures on the planet––a teenager.
Re-creation #2
Then I started college. I was independent, responsible for myself, an adult (or so I thought), deciding what career I wanted to pursue, what subjects to take, what major to choose. There was an unknown, but exciting, void headed my way called the future.
Re-creation #3
A “sheepskin” said I was a Bachelor of Science. Bachelor... probably not for long. A word that used to strike fear in my heart began looking a little less threatening–marriage. Did I really want to get married? Yes…, I mean no…, ah, yes…, no, I want to see the world and not be attached. But, damn I love her. Well, the inevitable happened. I remade myself into a husband, probably the best decision of my life.
Re-creation #4
My children were born. I had two new people in my life I needed to protect, teach, and love. I found a purpose. I became a father.
Re-creation #5
My kids grew up and left. We had an empty nest. That was hard at first, but soon my wife and I focused on each other. We were a couple again.
Re-creation #6
CANCER. Damn. That’s one change I wasn’t planning on. Now I had to find a way to live with a potentially terminal disease. Back when I graduated college the void I called my future was exciting. This next one coming up, not so much.
But I think I’ve found my way now. A way to accept who I am and where I am in life. Whatever fear I may have had is gone. I know it might come back when it’s time to lay down, but for now, I’ve decided to grab the time I’m given and focus on my family and the legacy of love I can leave them.
Perhaps this last re-creation will be my best.
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