Re-creating Myself

By Jim Smith

2 min read

There’s a corkboard at the front of my desk. I see it when I sit down to write, but I seldom notice the things pinned to it. Today though, one item grabbed my attention; a quote I found a long time ago. It reads:

"Life isn’t about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself."

It had been there so long it lost its meaning. But, for some reason, it spoke to me today.

How many times have I re-created myself?

I wonder how many times I’ve re-created myself. As a little boy, I had no concept of such things. Back then my whole life amounted to just 5 years. Everything was new and exciting. I didn’t have to reinvent myself. I was just me with no concept of time passing.

Re-creation #1

I turned 14 and reinventing myself was almost a daily task. Should I grow my hair longer? What side should I part it on? (By the way, I had hair then.) What clothes should I wear to school? Girls, in all their confusing mystery, became a major focus. I was becoming one of the most annoying creatures on the planet––a teenager.

Re-creation #2

Then I started college. I was independent, responsible for myself, an adult (or so I thought), deciding what career I wanted to pursue, what subjects to take, what major to choose. There was an unknown, but exciting, void headed my way called the future.

Re-creation #3

A “sheepskin” said I was a Bachelor of Science. Bachelor... probably not for long. A word that used to strike fear in my heart began looking a little less threatening–marriage. Did I really want to get married? Yes…, I mean no…, ah, yes…, no, I want to see the world and not be attached. But, damn I love her. Well, the inevitable happened. I remade myself into a husband, probably the best decision of my life.

Re-creation #4

My children were born. I had two new people in my life I needed to protect, teach, and love. I found a purpose. I became a father.

Re-creation #5

My kids grew up and left. We had an empty nest. That was hard at first, but soon my wife and I focused on each other. We were a couple again.

Re-creation #6

CANCER. Damn. That’s one change I wasn’t planning on. Now I had to find a way to live with a potentially terminal disease. Back when I graduated college the void I called my future was exciting. This next one coming up, not so much.

But I think I’ve found my way now. A way to accept who I am and where I am in life. Whatever fear I may have had is gone. I know it might come back when it’s time to lay down, but for now, I’ve decided to grab the time I’m given and focus on my family and the legacy of love I can leave them.

Perhaps this last re-creation will be my best.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Blood-Cancer.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Ramae Hamrin Moderator & Contributor
Oh, I love this <inline-mention user-id="3644983" username="Jim Smith"/> ! I have tried to find myself for most of my life instead of recreate myself. Instead of allowing roles, expectations, achievements, degrees and relationships to change me, I let them define me. I never really took the time to get underneath all of that and look at the HOW and WHO of what was actually changing. Cancer has been a blessing in that way. It has provided the motivation for real, lasting change. I am going to remember that quote. Great article. Thank you! 😊
1. Jim Smith Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention user-id="3651272" username="Ramae Hamrin"/> Thanks for reading. Yes, you are right, cancer can be a real motivator. (Though I have to admit, it would have been nice to have a less drastic source of motivation!) I can tell you are a deep thinker. I always enjoy your comments and insight.
jims Member
I can relate to this completely! Thank you for a very good read.
1. Jim Smith Moderator & Contributor
 Thanks, <inline-mention user-id="3655568" username="jims"/> I see your handle is JimS. Does that mean you are a fellow Jim Smith? There's a lot of us around!
Connie Connely Contributor
Well done, Jim! I enjoyed reading this. A legacy of love, that's beautiful!
mimi623 Member
i had a stem cell transplant for multiple myeloma in november 2019 and am in remission. i was diagnosed in february 2019. i’m still struggling with acceptance & peace about the future. i’m working remotely at home & quarantining due to covid, and i suspect that may be coloring my view somewhat. this is definitely something i need to work on — peace about this diagnosis.
1. Ronni Gordon Contributor
 <inline-mention user-id="3649085" username="mimi623"/> , I hope you're not too hard on yourself regarding acceptance and peace. It's all very scary and so it's natural to have ups and downs...some days acceptance and the others very unsettled. Also of course covid makes everything harder! Congratulations on being in remission!
2. Jim Smith Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention user-id="3649085" username="mimi623"/> I'm glad to hear about your remission. I know accepting the cancer is hard, and it doesn't help that Covid-19 has come along to isolate us. Finding a distraction with friends helps, even if it has to be over the phone instead of face-to-face. Take care, and be patient with yourself. Finding peace with your diagnosis isn't easy, but it will come as long as you stay busy. Godspeed, Mimi.
Ronni Gordon Contributor
<inline-mention user-id="3644983" username="Jim Smith"/> , The hard part for me right now is comparing myself to friends and family who move about more freely and have bigger "bubbles." People like us have to be more careful and that's the way it is. I was complaining (whining?) to a girlfriend about it and she said look at all the friends I have and look at my wonderful family and cute little grandchildren compared to her own very much smaller circle. That kinda made me re-think. I'm sure I'll go back and forth with this, though.
1. Jim Smith Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention user-id="3651931" username="Ronni Gordon"/> I know what you mean. It's not easy staying upbeat when our bubble grows smaller. You have a wise friend there. She sounds a lot like my wife -- always pointing out what I have when I start getting down. Sometimes, when I'm enjoying a pity party, I find her advice annoying, but of course, she's right and it puts me back on track.
Susan Gonsalves Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention user-id="3644983" username="Jim Smith"/> Thank you for this article. I can relate because I feel as though I've been re-making myself since my cancer diagnosis six years ago. It is difficult to accept that I can't do all the things I used to do with ease. Little by little, I've come to accept it reluctantly and I'm trying to take steps to get stronger and closer to my former self. That's all we can do. Take care. Susan (Blood-cancer Team Member)
Yolanda Brunson-Sarrabo Moderator & Contributor
It's funny but life seems to be all about recreating ourselves, as you never know when and what monkey wrenches get thrown our way. Cancer indeed is a huge wrench, but we continue to prevail. Great read!
1. Jim Smith Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention user-id="3647991" username="Yolanda Brunson-Sarrabo"/> Yes. As Bruce Willis put it in the movie diehard, it's a real "monkey in the wrench." Cancer is one wrench I could have done without.
Dennis Golden Moderator
I so agree with you on living in the present and taking every opportunity to be with your family. With so many distractions it is so easy to lose focus what really matters in life ... A cancer diagnosis has a way of putting things in perspective.
Deb Wesloh Moderator & Contributor
Another thoughtful story. I like how you shared stages of re-creation throughout your life. Most cancer patients have to reinvent themselves to adapt to their "new normal." I know I did. Accepting who you are now is one of the best ways to start. Best wishes to you.
Ann Harper Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention user-id="3644983" username="Jim Smith"/> very thoughtful. As I read I wondered about how many times I've recreated myself and what the future holds for me. I'm living with cancer as well and anytime I think about what to do for my future I wonder about the cancer. I've decided not to let that stop me anymore. I only have one life and I just have right now. Like you, I think the re-creation that is going on in my life right now may be the best one yet. Thanks for sharing.
1. Jim Smith Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention user-id="3637920" username="Ann Harper"/> You always have such a positive outlook. It's very encouraging. While reading your comment, I realized that "re-creation" is just "recreation" with a hyphen. Maybe that means re-creating yourself is fun!
Dennis Golden Moderator
I had so many plans for my future after completing college and later a master's degree. And for a while the plans worked (sort of ) The real world continued to happen and I learned something no one taught in any university While it is satisfying to make plans ... life just happens and often ignores even the best of plans. I never planned to have cancer it just happened in the process taught a lesson ... Be flexible ...and learn how to adjust to the reality of ever changing circumstances.
1. Jim Smith Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention user-id="3641422" username="DennisGolden"/> As the old saying goes: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Our cancer was definitely NOT in the plans. But we do what we can with whatever we're given. You're right, flexibility and a willingness to adjust is the key.

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