Living with Blood Cancer: Overcoming Judgement

Have you ever felt judged for having cancer?

Judgemental questions

There’s a red flag I’ve noticed that tells me when a conversation might not go over well. It starts with a simple question, like, “How did you get cancer?” It’s not a question with an easy answer.

Most of us don’t know how or why blood cancer came into our lives. There is no clear cause. That answer doesn’t satisfy a lot of people, and when that happens, some people feel entitled to judge.

I’ve had people question me about my diet, my activities, my family background, and my past. It’s really uncomfortable.

Does cancer run in the family? What foods do I eat?  Have I tried this new diet or that new supplement? Do I get enough exercise or drink enough alkaline water?

The blame game

I think many people want to know how to avoid cancer, and they want a clear answer on how to do that. If they can’t get a simple answer some people resort to the blame-game.

I try not to get perturbed by these questions, but it’s not always easy. When I snapped at someone who was asking too many questions, she told me that “anger causes cancer.”

Who knew, eh? She had found the “cancer-causing” trait in me—a trait she didn't see in herself, or any other non-cancer patient.

People want to believe they have control of their lives

blame-game is this idea that we must have done something wrong. There's a belief that somehow, sometime, we get what we deserve. Bad things happen to bad people. In that belief pain and punishment go hand in hand.

Cancer is scary; judgement and blame can help some people feel better about themselves and their decisions, I think.

Bad things do happen to good people

Things aren’t always controlled by what we do, though. There are so many variables in life that our own measly attempts at controlling everything don’t always make a difference. Sometimes bad things happen regardless of what we've done right.

Lack of pain isn't merit-based. That's the difficult truth. No one wants to feel limited, and challenges can feel very limiting. What are challenges for some, are impossibilities for others. Truth is, bad things happen to good people every day. To expect a life with no pain is just unrealistic.

When we think of Stephen Hawking, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Stevie Wonder, and so many others, do we see past their challenges? Do we see past all that scary stuff we might not be able to handle, all the stuff that makes us feel bad, and recognize their accomplishments? Maybe we forget there was a challenge at all; we see the effort and the outcome.

Judge abilities nor disabilities

Let’s be judged by what we do, and not by what blood cancer does. Let's be judged by our abilities, instead of disabilities. I think that’s a good place to start.

The next time cancer comes up in a conversation, I think I’ll stick to those rules. I want to be seen for my abilities, and not judged by my condition.

I can’t always give people the easy answer they crave. Maybe I can lessen the fear of cancer, though. I can remind people of what I’m doing. Because when you hear a Stevie song, or read Stephen’s book, or remember the strength of FDR, you kind of forget the conditions they lived with and celebrate their accomplishments. I like that.

Do you ever feel judged for having blood cancer? Let me know how you dealt with it in the comments below.

Thanks for reading.