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Giving Up on Exercise... Again

I’ve written before about how I’m mental about my weight. I know I am. It’s a work in progress. I’m so much better than I used to be. It doesn’t help that I used to be thinner. The downside of that is I constantly assess myself with how I am today compared to then. And I am incredibly critical about myself. And yes. I know that doesn’t help.

Crushing fatigue

The plus side of being half a stone heavier now is that I am in a better place overall. When my weight went down to 9st I was incredibly stressed and burnt out in my final year at uni. I was miserable. I was exhausted. I cried all the time. All my lecturers saw me cry in my final year.  And I ate far too much chocolate. I was in the library all the time. I had no life. Caffeine and refined sugar got me through the day.  So being half a stone heavier and overall happier is much better. I know this deep down. It’s just sometimes hard to remember.

I used to run, well, jog a lot. I have done 2 marathons and a half marathon. Admittedly the last marathon I did destroyed me physically and emotionally, but I was happier with how I looked so I decided to do something about it. I had to stop running months ago.  Maybe a year ago. I couldn’t keep it up.  Fatigue getting worse and worse on Bosutinib which I am coming off of to try a new drug.

I hate not being able to go running and got fed up with my internal chat and started doing home exercises. I was doing really well. Including stretching, it took me half an hour, and I did it 3 times a week for 3 weeks. And then I noticed in the 3rd week how my energy had crashed. I wasn’t coping. I couldn’t get all my work done and the only thing that had changed was the exercise. So I stopped.

Goodbye for now

And my energy has picked up again a bit. I still do lots of walking as I look after a labrador and clocking up the steps Monday - Friday makes me feel good. Yes, I probably would be less tired if I didn’t, but I get outside and it’s the only exercise I get. I know how damaging it is to your overall health not to exercise so I keep going with the walking. I won’t give this up. I refuse to give this up.

So for the time being I’ve said goodbye to exercise, again. It really upsets me that I can’t. But I’m not willing to completely destroy myself or to muck up my work because of it, even though I hate the fat around my abdomen (which I know is mostly in my head). And I just hope the new drug that I start in 3 weeks is better and I get to run again. That would be amazing.

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