Free Time

By mpadjen

6 min read

I think I'll start this one off with a random question. In the end, it may or may not have much to do with this article but I'll give it a whirl. How has the pandemic stay-at-home policies impacted you in terms of what you did with your time?

The end of physical risks

I'm certain everyone has their own personal answer depending on their current health and how much risk they are willing to take by heading out into the world. Before getting multiple myeloma, I considered myself a risk-taker or even an adrenaline junkie. Well, that term may be a little strong. I have skydived, run the rapids of West Virginia's Gauley River, hang glided, hiked Machu Picchu, and traveled to many remote areas worldwide. That's only part of it.

Multiple Myeloma took that part of my life away from me. Not the memories or the heart, but the physical ability. After ten collapsed vertebrae, related shoulder injuries and other physical concerns, I wouldn't even consider getting on a skateboard these days. Good-meaning people tell me it would be happening anyway. "You're in your sixties. Everyone slows down." By God, not me, I think.

Complex machinery

While recovering from my back operations I read many books. One of them was a reread of a thought-provoking book titled "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. In it (I'm paraphrasing), the author likens the human body to a complex machine with all types of backup equipment to keep it running efficiently. When something breaks, another system will keep it operating until the "something" gets fixed or fixes itself. Eventually, as the machine ages or is run too hard, more things start breaking faster. Ultimately, it breaks down for good.

That describes what is now happening to my body. I'm approaching critical failure more quickly than in my pre-MM days. The book spoke to me much more now than when I read it the first time before getting ill. I can say that even with my increased knowledge, I continue to have adventure fantasies of getting back to where I was.

Non-physical risks

While recovering from my marrow transplant and fourth spine operation, I felt my risk gene kicking in again. This time there were fewer thoughts of physical risk-taking but thoughts of doing something new and, I guess, potentially risky.

What could be riskier than skydiving? How about putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper (or a computer screen) for humanity to see. What would the world think of me? Would I sound stupid or boring? Would I portray myself as a whining victim, or could I actually help someone through their personal tragedy? I didn't know. Although the fear was there, I decided to take a chance.

During my first year of advocacy and blogging, I connected with many people similar to me. I soon realized most of them had a lot more courage than me. I know being associated with organizations like Blood-Cancer.com and MyelomaCrowd allowed me to get to know these individuals. It also pushed me to be better in ways I would have never imagined. I continued to write blogs for my own site, then for Health Union. I finally joined MyelomaCrowd and HealthTree to become a MyelomaCoach.

Trying something else new

Things were busy for me and very manageable until my wife and I took a trip to Europe. During that trip in the late summer of 2019, I saw what I considered a lack of understanding by the public about mask wearers. I am immunodeficient so wore a mask in public areas and on public transportation. I suffered from pneumonia twice in the previous six months due to a couple of benign viruses. Both cases happened immediately after I immersed myself in some large crowd activities. Knowing travel could be the third time charm, I knew I had to be more careful.

I concluded during that trip, the immunodeficient community wasn't being as well represented as it should. I started working on setting up a nonprofit called Maskeuraid. This was in November of 2019. In January of 2020, the pandemic hit. The world began to see how the communities with underlying factors like immune deficiencies were being decimated. Not a good way to spread the word, if you catch my drift.

Special time with my streaming buddies

Society basically went into hibernation when the lockdowns started. Some were locked down more than others. For me, it was by choice. At that point, I started relying much more heavily on risk versus reward decisions. I spent much more time at home except when walking on local trails or making speedy trips to the grocery store.

At first, I spent a lot of time with my streaming friends Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu. We all got tight. At some point though, I started questioning my use (misuse?) of time. I know when I was a younger, workaholic version of myself, I always said when I retired, I'd chill, slow down, and do what I wanted when I wanted. Here I was, in a big way doing just that. My advocating was filling in nicely, but things still felt off-balance. The nonprofit was in hibernation also as I was waiting on government approvals for a trademark and nonprofit status.

The author comes out? (Let's wait for the reviews)

Then "it" happened. One day I got a call from one of my best lifetime friends. In the conversation, he suggested we write a book together. Evidently, he also had some free time on his hands. He also had no idea what the story would be about. Without much thought, I said yes and in the same breath, felt closer to having the balance I was missing. The effort started in late April 2020. In February 2021, our novel "Untruthful Speech" will be published (I know, I know....blatant self-promotion).

I wrote a novella titled "Fynn, The Reluctant Service Dog" (more blatant self-promotion) during the same period. I self-published it in January 2021. "Whew" and "Sleep" are the only words that come to mind when reflecting.

Did I bite off too much?

Looking back on the experience, I am of two minds. Both take me back to the question I posed at the beginning of the article. My first answer to that question is: I was swamped and filled my time with a lot of creativity and work. I'm proud of what was accomplished, so the time and effort paid off, and it did make my stay-at-home time much less boring.

My second answer is: I was swamped, which took some time away from other favored activities like walking, contemplating, and chilling with all my friends mentioned above. More importantly, I think it impacted the time I spent and my real-life family, including my two new granddaughters. Those thoughts have me wondering if I'm turning back into that "workaholic" I said I'd never be again.

Also, while reflecting on the past year, a troubling thought has started bouncing around my brain. It is almost embarrassing to reveal it. Here goes. Knowing I have an incurable cancer and will likely live fewer years than the average person my age, is one of my years more valuable now than it would be if I were healthy? I told you it was a crazy thought. Maybe I'm not asking the question correctly. It's more a question of relativity. Each piece of time is equally important to each of us or should be. My minute shouldn't be more important than yours. Relative to my situation though, (or anyone else in a similar situation), should I personally be treating the time I have left with more value, and back off from doing so much?

Enjoy the time no matter how you spend it

I guess the bottom-line question is I'm putzing around to get to is: Do I need to take a step back and be more vigilant of my time and chill a little or keep going for the gusto while I still have the energy and relative health?

I guess that's a similar question many of us have at one time or another. At least I hope so, or I have more issues than multiple myeloma. I think those with chronic illnesses probably ask it more. My guess is some of you absolutely know your answer or think it's a silly question. I thought I knew the answer a year ago. Now I'm not so certain.

In any case, the year is done and in the past. I can't change it. It had many more highs than lows, but there is no getting around the fact I was swamped. Maybe the better question is: What will I do with my free time in the coming year, or how about what will I do with my free time today, or no matter what I do, I need to treat the time as a blessing.

Another thought... Is there really such a thing as free time? I guess that's another article for another day.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Blood-Cancer.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Susan Gonsalves Moderator & Contributor
Thanks for sharing and congratulations on the books. Shut down for me was intense. Groceries delivered, pharmacy drive-thru, hermit like existence for several months, esp, in the very beginning. (Those practices continue today--no contact!) I found myself working more hours than I ever have before and burning myself out by July. Once I got back to therapy for mobility issues, that was my outlet, sad as it sounds. To this day, other than drive thrus, I'm still shielding myself from the world it seems. Said from the beginning that I've battled leukemia for six years not to have that fight stripped away by a virus. I'm very interested in hearing more about maskeuraid. People have such strong feelings about mask wearing these days. Oh, and I'm trying to calm down and regulate my work schedule so that I'm not doing more hours than 40 or so per week. Susan
1. mpadjen Contributor
 @susangonsalves, I understand the whole shielding yourself, especially now that we are maybe nearing the end of this horrible pandemic. As for Maskeuraid, we finally received our 501(c)(3), so now I feel like the dog that finally caught the car. You can find out more at <a href='https://maskeuraid.org' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>maskeuraid.org</a>.
Dennis Golden Moderator
To Be or Not to Be – is the opening line in Act 3 of William Shakespeare’s play Hamlet . In the speech, Hamlet contemplates death and suicide while bemoaning the pain and unfairness of life but at the same time acknowledges the alternative might be worse. Combine Hamlet with “the more things change the more they remain the same” and we soon begin to understand the many valuable lessons we can learn from those who have walked the path of life before us. A few years ago, I was encouraged to write a book and found myself stuck for months until someone suggested that I only needed to come up with the titles for each of the 15 chapters. Leave all the pages in blank and walk away I was told. Let life happen. As thoughts came along, I just needed to put them in the correct chapter. A few months later “What to Know Do and Say to Be Safe” was proof-read and published on Amazon. Following a prostate cancer diagnosis and then one for blood cancer I decided to apply my book writing philosophy to living. Take each day as it comes. At the same time I make it a point be aware of and accept the many opportunities that present themselves every day no matter how small. How many of us miss important things simply because we are too focused on chasing new goals and trying to find new meaning in the game of life.
1. mpadjen Contributor
 <inline-mention user-id="3641422" username="DennisGolden"/> . Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I love the idea of leaving the pages blank, walking away, and filling them in after the right thoughts come. What a great metaphor for life.
Yolanda Brunson-Sarrabo Moderator & Contributor
Nice piece! My free time is null, despite no longer in the realms of a corporate setting, running a business, mother, and wife give little time; though my movement is brief I do find myself halting when I sense the danger of a possible fall. I know any crazy trip with a fall maybe my doom.
1. mpadjen Contributor
 <inline-mention user-id="3647991" username="Yolanda Brunson-Sarrabo"/> . Wow, I'm sure you are more busy than I've ever been. No falls please. It sounds like you have a lot of people depending on you!
2. Yolanda Brunson-Sarrabo Moderator & Contributor
 Indeed 😀
Ramae Hamrin Moderator & Contributor
Wow, <inline-mention user-id="3650364" username="Mike Padjen"/> , I feel like I could write a book (haha) in response to your thought-provoking and relatable post. When the pandemic hit, I too binge-watched shows and movies to manage the underlying fear and anxiety. At some point, I felt like I was wasting precious time. Since then, I have been much more conscious of how I spend time and what makes me happy and feel good. I was not as active as you were, but I was a cross-country skier and long-distance runner. It hasn't been easy adjusting to a more sedentary life. But I am finding new things that bring the same satisfaction as sports. Like you, I am writing (no books yet), and I am also learning to paint. To satisfy the athlete in me, I do the Wim Hof method of deep breathing and cold showers/ice baths. But, to answer your question, I do what makes me happy. Sometimes it's being vigilant and doing what I can while I have the energy. Other times it's relaxing with a glass of wine and watching the Bachelor (ugh, I know). I do still have anxiety at times over what to do, so your piece very much resonated with me. I would love to follow your blog and read your new book!
1. mpadjen Contributor
 @ramae, Thanks so much. It sounds like you have discovered more of a balanced life. I like the idea of spending time doing what makes you happy and feels good, and at the same time being vigilant. Good for you! I won't judge you for The Bachelor if you wont judge me for Cobra Kai. FYI, both books are on Amazon now and my blog is <a href='https://effcancerblog.com' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>effcancerblog.com</a>
2. Ramae Hamrin Moderator & Contributor
 Awesome -- thank you!
Ronni Gordon Contributor
<inline-mention username="Mike Padjen" user-id="3650364"/> I had to smile at your question about free time. At our family's beach house on Long Island, my father used to say, at some point in the day, "Free time!" because it was kind of like summer camp. Similarly interesting question about whether there is free time, is whether there is lost time. Sometimes I start to say that I lost time while in the hospital, but you can't really lose it because it is always there. BTW I also have been known to over-schedule. I think it's easier to do that than to slow down...but the benefits of slowing down are well documented!