Feeling Tired Again

I feel tired again. My legs hurt. I’ve had to cancel something because I just don’t have the energy for it. I don’t want this to start happening. I was hoping that this wouldn’t be the norm again.

I really hope it’s not the new treatment. I’ve enjoyed being me too much to say goodbye.  To have to go back to another one I’ve already been on. To wait for the new interferon at the end of the year and pray to god that that’s ok

What is "normal" fatigue?

I don’t know what normal is. I don’t know what I should be able to get done in a day. I don’t know what is too much. I haven’t been ‘normal’ since I was 21.

I’ve always been a good sleeper. Needing more than my siblings. I don’t know how much I need now. I know I can get by on 9 hours sleep. Well. I thought I could. But maybe it’s not enough.  Maybe I can do one or two nights a week but the rest I need 10 hours to really re-charge my battery. I don’t know. And no one else can tell me.  Google doesn’t have to answer to this question: How much sleep do I need?

I’m still on a pretty hardcore medication which I forget about. Because I was feeling so good. I had so much energy. I didn’t feel how I do now. The heaviness is back. Everything has been an effort today.  A mental battle to get through it all.

Fighting the mental battle

I hate this.

And I’m worried it’s the drugs. I really don’t want it to be. I’ve been on them for nearly 3 weeks. Definitely long enough for me to begin to feel an impact if there is going to be one. I was so full of hope.  So excited that this could be it.  This could be the drug that works for me. That lets me have my life. That means I can really make plans for my future.  Even start running again! I would love that. I miss it so much.

It’s been so amazing not having to plan every moment of every day and to not worry about the impact. To just do what I was doing and be ok with it all. To be able to function like an adult.

Did I just overdo it?

Maybe this is just because I’ve done too much on too little sleep for too long. Maybe this is what normal is when you simply overdo it. Maybe I do just need to get 10 hours sleep a night regularly to keep me going. I don’t mind that, as long as it means I feel how I did.

The tiredness, I really don’t want to call it fatigue, has been creeping up on me. Getting worse as the days have gone on. I’ve ignored it. Hoped that if I get an early night I will be back to me. But then the early nights haven’t happened and I feel like this again.

It’s 12:30 pm and all I want to do is go to bed and go to sleep.

I really really hope that this is me and my fault. Not the drugs.