Remembering The Darkest Season

Looking back some 3 years ago, when my blood cancer diagnosis was brand new, I recalled the many months of chemo infusions while also remembering the many challenges. I often asked how did I live through one of my life’s darkest seasons. 

Losing weight

Prior to beginning treatment, I lost over 38 lbs. in just weeks. Food lost all appeal, and no matter how many times I followed the suggested advice to eat many small meals a day instead of 3 squares, my weight dropped like a rock. This was not like the first time when I faced cancer. Unlike my earlier encounters when I was easily treated with surgery, radiation, and hormone therapy, this cancer was very different.

Hearing the word CHEMO sent chills down my spine. My mind anticipated and envisioned endless weeks and months of stomach upset and more. Yet strangely, after the first treatment, which went better than expected, I began to recall past cancer conversations with other patients.

Everyone faces hardships sometime

Finally, it dawned on me ...everyone regardless of age, race, sex, or social/economic standing eventually encounters hardships and struggles in life. Internalizing that realization helped put most of my depression and feelings of isolation in check.

We all share the same humanity, and our feelings and experiences are pretty much universal. Strangely enough I took some small comfort recognizing that this cancer journey was just that  time in my life to go through this emotional maze. Hopefully, I would come out the other side of the experience somewhat sane and healthier.

My turn to face difficult times

I both practiced a lot of meditation and underwent counseling combined with Reiki therapy during my first cancer encounter. As a result I saw many benefits of being able to look at life experiences as an observer vs being a participant. In time my reactions to both receiving a blood cancer diagnosis and the follow-up treatments were no longer as debilitating.

There appeared to be some quality of life values when I started to have compassion for myself rather than heaping on a pile of self-blame for contracting blood cancer. I stopped questioning and wondering if should have consumed more chicken and fish instead of enjoying those aged prime steaks and glasses of wine. The growing sense of inner peace was a welcomed relief.

Practicing self-care

As my chemo continued, I learned the importance of hydration the hard way and quickly increased my consumption of water from  a few glasses a day to consuming 70 ounces daily. For some reason during my chemo treatments, I never experienced nausea, or diarrhea. I believe practicing self-compassion and self-kindness gave me an edge. Taking the time to be kind to myself appeared to increase my resilience when it mattered most.

Make no mistake about it: chemo was not easy. It was not a bed of roses. There were days and weeks when I just wanted to crawl up into a ball, scream at the top of my lungs, and not leave the house. If nothing else blood cancer taught me a valuable lesson: When under stress it is best to run into the storm and let the turmoil and grief pass. No one can laugh for 24 hours, and no one can cry 24/7 either.

In those quiet moments when depression and fear offered me a brief break, I listened to meditation music, and would say  to myself, "You WILL get through this."  

While things may be rough for you now I suspect one day you will get there as well.