Starting the Tough Conversations

I have lived with, fought, and often beaten back multiple myeloma for going on seven years now. Mine has presented itself as very stubborn and, with 15 lines of treatment under my belt, including two stem cell transplants and the most recent and very hopeful CAR T trial it continues to rear its ugly head.

Prayers and intentions

I have often said, if prayers were answered, I would have been cured a long time ago. God has literally received thousands of prayers on my account, from all over the world. I have often had my forehead pressed in the carpet, tears rolling down my face, begging God for more time with my young daughter. I now believe prayers are one of the ways we can open up a channel of love between us and God. I gratefully open myself up to receive the positive intentions sent my way. I have come to understand that, at least for me, the point of living is to accept and appreciate life with all its ups and downs and to surrender to its lessons, not in a passive way, but with an open heart and a mind that is forever eager to learn.

I am not a religious person. I am not bound to one way of thinking. My cup always has room to receive more love and more lessons. I know some may not agree with me and this is perfectly okay. I like to say I have FAITH... period. Not in someone or something, just faith. Faith that all will be as it should be. It is not a passive faith, I still fight for my life and for the welfare of my family, but I am no longer attached to the outcome. I have come to a place where I can enjoy the journey without worrying where it might take me.

Making peace with the possibility of death

Some can’t accept this way of thinking. They are bound to the teachings of their forefathers and fear the wrath of God if they deviate. They say there is a Heaven, yet still, they fear death and struggle with its concept. I found peace when I learned to let go of my guilt, my shame, my judgments of myself and others. The result of this practice was the shedding of the fear that had followed me my entire life. The gift was a peace that passes all understanding. I did not do this by turning to Jesus, Allah, the prophet Mohammed and Joseph Smith. Nor did I come to this place through Buddha, or any of the numerous choices that are being made by millions of people every day, though all those I mentioned did teach me very valuable lessons. Once I learned to love me for me, I was able to love the world, just as it is. What I heard in most churches was the emphasis on us being sinners. This way of preaching, at least for me, was counterproductive, and only caused me to devalue myself and stay fearful.

Death is the biggest fear for most of us. Mainly because we do not understand it. So we run away from it and shove it in a corner. I have befriended death over the past few months and it has brought me to a much better place. As hard as it sounds, do not fear death. Instead, talk about it with your friends and family. Discussing death from a place of love and acceptance is a priceless gift you give yourself and your loved ones. We have started talking about it as a family and it is giving us all peace of mind knowing we are on the same page. What page that is I will share in my next article.

Editor's Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on October 23, 2019, Cherie Rineker passed away. We are honored that Cherie shared her experiences with our community and beyond. She will be deeply missed.