Change and More Stress Are Coming

Today has also been really hard for a variety of reasons. My toddler has needed a lot of attention and focus after spending 3 nights with her father. Things with him are not good and are about to get really messy. I’ve delayed the inevitable because I haven’t wanted it to impact our relationship and make it any worse than it is. And well. Things are now out of my control, and it’s time to take the next step. And it’s going to be really hard. And people will question what I’m doing. But it’s not for me. It’s for my little girl. And I won’t budge or relent or give in. No matter what’s said to me. Because I know deep down I’m doing the right thing for her. Even though it’s hard right now.

Confusing blood test results

And all this emotional stress isn’t good. I’m still in remission. The leukemic rate has once again gone up a bit. But, the number of leukemic cells is still the same. I now finally know why the leukemic rate can be higher or lower even if the number of leukemic cells is the same. It has to do with how well my body is coping with removing the leukemic cells. How deep my immune system responds to it. And funnily enough. With all of this going on, it’s not as good as it was. It’s not bad. But it’s been better.

I also desperately need to move back to London, so that’s another source of stress. There’s an option that might have become available. But I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do for us. So I need to sleep on it. In many ways, it would make things easier. I know it. I know what’s around in terms of parks/children’s groups/shops/transport links. But. It’s also a place of shared memories, and I don’t know if that’s a good idea.

It feels like lots of things are balancing on the edge at the moment. And it could all be amazing. Or...

Balancing my stressful life

I’m trying to stay really positive and upbeat. To keep my body happy. my leukemic in control without needing to go back on treatment.

It’s hard when I have all these big decisions to make and it’s no longer just about me. And it’s hard when certain conversations happen and I’m left questioning myself. What happened. How it really was. Did I imagine it all and tell myself a narrative that simply didn’t happen? There is proof that it did. But when people get in your head it can be hard to silence them.

Working to keep my rates stable

But I do my best.

Lots of change is on the near horizon. And trying to keep some things as much like they are now is going to be hard. But it has to be done.

My mother said to me not long ago that I have a steely side and it’s now time to use it. Well I am.

And I just hope that my leukemic rate stays unaffected from it all.