Can’t Be Bothered With Anything
It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. Well, at least I think it has been. I can’t really remember. I know it happens. It comes and goes. Everything feels like so much effort and I’m not really sure why. Not much has changed in my life in terms of what’s going on and yet, I just can’t be bothered.
I’m re-branding my work which is really exciting. It’s what I want to be doing. To be more focused and concise with my website, information, and message that goes out. I should be loving the process especially as I started it. But at the moment I just don’t care.
Not feeling very motivated
I don’t feel motivated in the morning, I would just quite like to stay in bed all day. Maybe that’s what I need to do. Have a proper break. I know I also write that I should do this, and never seem to. I do have a week off soon - in three weeks. So hopefully that will help.
My energy levels aren’t great - but they have been worse. I do seem to have more crashes than I used to. But then I have days when I’m fine. It’s really hard to track a pattern and that is also exhausting. Not knowing what I’m doing to trigger the crash. I thought it was the days that I take the chemo that I’m worse, as I’m on alternating days, but that doesn’t seem to be it. I know I’m better on more sleep, ideally ten hours a night, but then I can have days where I have nine hours or even eight hours of sleep, and I get through the day ok. I basically eat the same and walk the same most days, so I don’t think it’s linked to that. I do know that if I do loads of walking on one day then I feel the impact the next, but then sometimes that doesn’t happen.
Everything seems to take more effort
It might be the season change, but I love the season change. I love how the trees change, how the light changes. I don’t get sad or depressed when the days get shorter or longer. If anything, when they're shorter, I don’t beat myself up about not going outside and doing stuff. Everyone hibernates a bit so curling up on the sofa with a blanket, a cup of tea, and a book or something on the TV is completely allowed.
Even writing this has been a bit of an effort. Normally I don’t have to think. I just sit and type and the words appear, and a page is filled. But not today. I’ve been taking pauses. Staring into space. Wondering what to say that sums up how I feel without it just being yet another 500-word whinge. Which is how I feel I am so much of the time. So I don’t really know what’s wrong with me at the moment. And I hope it passes soon...
Have you met another blood cancer patient?