Telling the Children Requires a Certain State of Mind

Telling the Children Requires a Certain State of Mind

A brochure called “What Do I Tell the Children?” caught my eye at Dana-Farber’s Blum Patient and Family Resource Center when I arrived early for a checkup and browsed through the literature for patients and families.

It made me look back at the time 15 years ago when I wondered how to tell my three children that I had been diagnosed with an aggressive blood cancer, acute myeloid leukemia.

Choosing my words carefully, and using a matter-of-fact tone, were crucial to the endeavor. There would be time for tears, but when telling the kids, I wanted to stay calm.

Blue shield as an aid to staying calm

Years ago, I biked around Prince Edward Island with a college friend. Anne said that if dogs chased us, we could protect ourselves by putting a blue shield in front of us. I tried it, and it “worked.”

I thought of it more as a blue bubble. The dogs left us alone. Of course this is what happened: By imagining the shield, I became so calm that the dogs lost interest. They might have gotten aggressive if they sensed fear.

Before telling my children, I figuratively enveloped my emotions in a blue shield. They picked up on my sense of calm.

Telling the children

On the day that I told them about my diagnosis, the boys, 14 and 17, were in the den watching some kind of sports program. My eleven-year-old daughter was playing school upstairs with her Beanie Babies. I called them into the kitchen, the place for family meetings.

I told them that I had a blood cancer called leukemia, that it was treatable, that I would go to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, and that their father would move in during periods when I was in the hospital. (We had been divorced for many years, and the children lived with me.)

Boston Red Sox connection

Ben, the oldest, immediately made the connection between Dana-Farber and its fundraising arm, the Jimmy Fund, and from there to his beloved Boston Red Sox, for which the Jimmy Fund is the official charity.

“You did a great job with the announcement,” he emailed when I asked about his recollections.

Confidence in a good outcome

“You matter-of-factly said it was treatable and you were going to Dana Farber. Any New Englander with a pulse knows all about the Sox-Jimmy Fund connection, and you were smart to mention Dana-Farber, etc. in the first sentence or two of the announcement. In hindsight, I was insufficiently worried about it. It honestly never even crossed my mind that you were going to die. It was a hurdle I was sure you would overcome. I turned out to be correct, but I think I was overconfident at the time.”

Better overconfident than overly fearful.

I assume my middle child, Joe, was equally reassured. The boys went back to whatever they were watching, and Katie went back upstairs to her room.

During the difficult days that followed, my ex-husband kept their routines intact, making their lives as close to normal as can be when your mother is in and out of the hospital. If I do say so myself, they have turned out pretty well.

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Comments

View Comments (5)
  • Bob McEachern
    8 months ago

    Thanks for this, Ronni. It really brought back a lot of memories of telling my own kids, who were 6, 8, and 10 at the time. Our rule, then and now (10 years later), is to always be honest with the kids — whatever they imagine will probably be worse than the truth.
    The Red Sox connection resonated, too. My oldest was/is a Sox fan. When we told the kids, I had my arm around him. When I reminded him that Jon Lester (a great Sox pitcher at the time) also had a kind Non Hodgkin Lymphoma, his whole body relaxed. Someone we know (I still don’ know who) wrote to the Red Sox about me, and their manager, Terry Francona, sent an encouraging letter to my kids. Love the Sox or hate them, they’re great about kids and cancer.

  • Anthony Carrone moderator
    8 months ago

    @bobtalisker – That is an amazing story. I think it’s awesome when sports can help bridge gaps and teach life lessons. I have a new respect for the Sox now. Thanks for sharing! -Anthony (Team Member)

  • Bob McEachern
    8 months ago

    I’m happy I was able to create a new Sox fan (or is that going too far?).

  • Anthony Carrone moderator
    8 months ago

    If anything, I think you made me a bigger Terry Francona fan! He doesn’t have much to show for his Philly years, so this was a home run for him in my book.

  • Ronni Gordon author
    8 months ago

    Thanks Bob! We also talked about Jon Lester. Sounds like you did a good job of telling your kids. Cool about the letter.

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