Afraid of Relapsing
Last updated: September 2021
Recently I’ve been very paranoid about my cancer relapsing. It was funny because after my last time (third time) having it, I finished my treatments and about two weeks later, caught COVID. I had COVID for two and a half months, almost died, and then finally recovered. After dealing with both illnesses back to back, I felt pretty invincible and my confidence even skyrocketed. I had no care about other people’s opinions. What was the worst that they could do? Kill me?
Then my one-year anniversary started approaching and I began to worry. I don’t know why that was the thing that scared me. I knew that after about five years, it’s said that your chances of relapsing go down if it’s been that long. Maybe it was because I had relapsed after only 5 months the time before, and I figured this was the longest I was going to get. Or because I was moderating here more on the site and reading stories about relapse started getting to me. It was frustrating. I went from feeling so confident and powerful and in control, to panicking if I started having a sore throat.
I’m still working on my feelings of having cancer on and off for five years. That’s a long time, and I had to put a lot of my life on hold just so I could live. (Not to mention the bills UGH!) I was training to be on Broadway. I was doing well too, I was finally at a point where I had my Professor’s blessing to audition for Equity shows and my voice was the best it’s ever been. I still can’t dance though LOL. Tap and ballet are so hard. Like... so hard. You would think it’s easy to make a few click clacks with your feet but absolutely not!
Accepting a day at a time
I’m slowly fully accepting everything that has happened to me. It’s gotten a lot better, but I still have days where my emotions pop up and I get angry all over again. I’m slowly trying to build my voice back up. I’ve lost a lot of my breath support which is one of the main things I had to work on the first time around so I feel like I’m having to essentially train all over again. You can imagine how that feels. I think I’ll start taking lessons again soon. I’m not ready to jump back into the world of auditioning, it’s exhausting and I’m just not ready to throw myself into that yet. One day.
In the meantime, I’ve found that acting on my social media as my favorite characters or making short films for YouTube is enough to keep me creatively content. I do love it and I get to work with my friends which is always a dream come true. I guess I’m writing this as a way of letting my feelings out but also for anyone out there who is still rebuilding their lives to let them know I’m with them. It's crappy, but it does get better. It just takes time, YOUR time. Everyone has a different timeline and that’s important to remember too.
Warm wishes, Katelynn
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