Pretty Amazing News (Part 2)

I have changed drugs so many times in the last 6 years, I think one of the most constant sentences to come out of my consultant's mouth has been, "Don’t get pregnant!!" I’ve also had so many drug changes and dose changes with the drugs that my leukaemic rate has often been unstable. When negotiating time off, the longest my consultant has been happy with is 6 weeks, so no way could I have time off for a baby.

Turning 35 and wanting a baby

Unbelievably, I am 35 this year and that freaks me out. Not because of being old. I know I’m not and I have a lifetime ahead of me. But because I am still single. Well, sort of. That’s a bit complicated. The ‘someone’ is still around. Time will tell… but babies. I am, medically speaking, old to be having a baby now. I would be considered a geriatric pregnancy. And this terrifies me. Not having a baby of my own terrifies me. And because of my work and knowledge, there is no way that I would be happy with a surrogate. So maybe adoption. But really I want my own. Or at least the opportunity to try to have my own.

So, last week, I was brave and asked my consultant something I never thought I would. I never thought I would ask about having a baby because of being scared of what her reply would be. Being scared that the words would make my fear final. Those words I have dreaded to hear.

I might be able to have a baby

The exact opposite came out!!  She said to me that she would be happy to take me off treatment FOR A YEAR! A whole year. So I could try for 3 months if I’m fertile, before using my eggs, or just go straight to the eggs. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT! This is beyond amazing news!! I CAN HAVE A BABY! And maybe, who knows, it will be with this someone…  or a sperm donor. Which I will do if it comes to it.

I don’t have any immediate plans to come off treatment and see if I can get pregnant naturally. But it’s such a weight off my mind that I have the choice if I want to. I feel like the most monumental weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

And the best thing about it I can be genuinely happy for my friends who are pregnant or have babies without my heart hurting just a bit. When I see my nieces I think, "I could have your cousin!" Not, "I wish you were mine because you are the closest I will get to have my own baby."

It’s still a bit surreal. But it’s amazing. And with genuine hope and happiness, we shall see what happens!