Needing Downtime but Hating It

I know I am my own worst enemy. Because I am mental in so many ways. I know I need to rest over the weekends and just sit on the sofa and do nothing. But I’ve forgotten how to. Or maybe I just resent all the weekends I had to do it. I couldn’t see anyone. I didn’t have the energy to talk. I just had to sit. And I was miserable. Miserable because I was on my own. Miserable because I had no energy. Miserable because I couldn’t see my friends. So now, I push through it. And the only person who suffers is me.

I’m such an idiot.

Also, for the last, well, nearly year and a half I have had a dog with me most weekdays and he fairly regularly spends the night with me if his owner is out late or it’s just easier for the dog to be with me. And earlier this year, he lived with me for 6 weeks (his owner broke his ankle skiing...). And since then, I’ve really noticed it when I don’t have him with me in the evenings and weekends.

Focusing on my step count

And because I had a new lease of life, I became used to being able to do things at the weekend. Now that I shouldn’t do so much, I’m really noticing how much I don’t like doing nothing on my own. Or nothing at all. I’m also mental about getting my 10,000 steps a day as I can’t do any other exercise. So, if I don’t go for a long walk on a Saturday and Sunday, I get very, very twitchy. And then I go into a bad mental health spiral about being fat and worrying about what I’m eating. Although, I’ll never deprive myself of food. My mind knows very very very deep down that I’m not fat and that restricting my diet would be a seriously stupid thing to do. So, I don’t. I also, when knackered, inhale a big bag of kettle crisps and then beat myself up for that, which I know is also really stupid.

Until I started looking after the dog, I wasn’t really aware of my step count, or maybe it was because the iPhone I had didn’t have the health app on it. Maybe it’s that. I had NO idea what I was doing each day. Sometimes awareness isn’t a good thing but now I have the app and have spent nearly every Monday-Friday for the last 18 months clocking up at least 10,000 steps. I nearly got a pedometer to see what my true step count is as my iPhone only counts my steps when I’m walking with it in my bag etc. I don’t want and won’t get a Fitbit etc. I thought that if I get one, I’ll go completely insane on days that I forget it. So, I decided against it. For the best, I think.

Needing to rest to combat fatigue

So, sitting down for 2 days isn’t really something that sits that well with me. Well, when I’m in London anyway. When I go home to my parents, I’m very relaxed about doing nothing. But I’m also not on my own either. I have company when I sit on the sofa and read.

That’s what I’m missing. Someone else to just be there.

So, as I adjust back into having to have the weekends to do nothing or I won’t be able to survive the week, I know I will get to a place where I just let it be. Even though I hate it.  Or maybe, just maybe, it won’t get that bad.

Time will tell.

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