All is Quiet on New Year's Day

I have been feeling a little melancholy (no, not a combination of cantaloupe and cauliflower, but the other one) since the holidays, and having a difficult time figuring out why. Most of you that read my blogs know I’m usually not the melancholy type. I love good jokes and can be pretty sarcastic with the humor I use to describe my myeloma life... I think...

The hidden “psychologist” in me (ha, “psychotic” came up first in spell check, maybe that’s my answer, but I digress), has come up with a couple of theories.

Psychotic theory 1: Yin Yang Theory

The first theory I’ll call the “Yin Yang Theory”, in that I’m a firm believer that life will eventually balance out, as opposed to being a fan of the Siamese twins that were in the Barnum and Bailey circus back in the day.

What is a little unusual is that I now seem to be looking over my shoulder (metaphorically) much more, wondering when I’ll relapse. I’ve been feeling almost as good as I’ve felt during my best days since diagnosis (Yin). It has also been a while since my last Control-Alt-Delete moment (Yin also)

I had, and continue to have a very strong sense that Yang “Khan”, Ghengis’ distant cousin, is on his way to balance s*** out. One thing that has been keeping me on edge, is a hiatal hernia operation coming up at the end of January. Will that be the beginning of another bad period, or are these just musings of an overactive imagination? What I’m really hoping is that I’ve had so much Yang the past couple of years, that there’s still a lot of Yin to catch up on.

Psychotic theory 2: New year theory

My second theory is what I will call my “New Year” theory. Oh, I hear you now, “Not another New Year story”. No, this is more of a New Day Story because, quite frankly, years can begin on any day (OK, I know that's a pretty lousy head pump). My theory is that because I had such a positive year last year, I question whether my expectations should be lowered in 2020? I think this thinking, although not conscious, adds anxiety to my overall well-being, which sometimes presents itself as melancholy.

Before this formidable disease, I spent a large amount of time looking to, and planning for, the future, a little less of my time revisiting my past, and very little time in the here and now, other than racing through the day trying to get things on my to-do list done. Relative to me, this form of thinking has changed quite a bit. I would say I now spend most of my time in the present, but definitely have my backsliding periods. I sort of feel like I’m in one now.

Party like It's 2019

I have to make a confession though, I’m really enjoying revisiting 2019 in the looking to the past part. I have been thinking a lot about the past several years, but mostly 2019. Last year was one of the best years of my life, even considering 2 bouts of pneumonia and some tremendous chronic back and shoulder pain.

Some big reasons for this enjoyment were; taking the trip of a lifetime to Europe with Sue, welcoming my first grandchild into this world, and maybe even reading Daniel Malito articles. The key ingredient, though, was that I spent many of those days reveling in the experiences without consideration for yesterday or tomorrow, my state of physical or emotional health, or my always digressing financial state of health.

I can’t tell you how many New Year’s eves when the clock struck midnight, I would, of course, kiss my wife, but then say something to myself I am now somewhat ashamed of. What I would say is “Damn, I’m sure glad that year is over. I hope this year is better”.

This year I completely turned that thinking around, and said, “Thank God for last year.”

Recommit

You are probably thinking to yourself, that is a good thing, and you are correct. My theories though are somewhat obtusely based on my uber contentment with 2019.  Am I afraid that 2020 is going to be much tougher? Is my melancholy based on an unreasonable fear? I really don’t know for sure. It didn’t feel like this last year, due to a strong belief things were going to get better.

I think that maybe there are elements of both theories in the final diagnosis. In any case, both theories are based on fear. That’s not like me either. I’ve always had a base in my faith, which has grown a lot since D-day (diagnosis day). I think I need to do a little recommitting to that faith, especially when I am feeling good.

Writing this blog has helped sort some things out. The first is that no matter how strong your faith is, there will still be periods of fear; sometimes great fear. There are some big, bad things out there. As long as you can recognize the fear, using your faith for better days to come, those fearful days will pass. That’s not backsliding, but simple reality.

The other is that, if you can immerse yourself in gratitude, without trying to compare one year to another, but be grateful for what comes, then you can look at every day as a New Year’s Day, and each morning say “Thank God for last year”.

Did I just have a U2 moment?