Life and the Pursuit of Living

In my lifetime, I’ve known of six people who’ve committed suicide. Three I knew personally. None of them had cancer.

Some would say they were selfish and only thinking of themselves, but we can’t know what demons haunted them.

Now, I’m not getting all Stephen King on you. The demons I’m speaking of are the worst kind: desperation, loss, fear, and ultimately, depression. They live to a small degree in everyone but, left unchecked, they can overpower us.

Before leukemia, experiencing depression

I knew depression and, oddly enough, it was before I was diagnosed with leukemia. It had nothing to do with any disease. I went through a seven-year period of intense stress and at the end of those seven years, when things calmed down, the depression sank over me like a heavy, warm blanket.

I say warm because in a strange way, even though I was miserable, it felt comfortable. I hope that doesn’t make any sense to you.

Deep sea divers will tell you the light just below the surface is bright and beautiful. But the deeper you go the darker it gets. Eventually, there is no light.

Most of us get sad from time to time. We hover just below the surface then come up for air and move on with our lives.

Clinical depression is different than feeling down

We’re not talking about feeling a little down. Real, full-on depression can sink you deeper and deeper towards the darkness.

You find it hard to get up in the morning. You’re tired all the time. Doing simple tasks seems to take all your energy. You start to lose interest in things you once enjoyed.

Sound familiar?

Cancer can take our energy but not our will to fight

We have cancer. It can suck the energy out of us even if we’re not depressed. But there is a difference between us and those six poor souls who cut their lives short. We want to live. We are fighting to live. And even if we’re terminal, we appreciate every moment we’re given.

Still, we are standing next to a Japanese door. Only the thin, translucent paper separates us from the dark night outside. It’s a sliding door easily opened.

We must guard ourselves against the demons that would tempt us to open it. Our life is not just ours. It dwells in the hearts of our family and friends who need us.

I believe life was given to each of us for a purpose. We could have been stillborn, aborted, or not conceived at all. But we are here. There is a reason for our existence.

Never stop swimming

Death is coming for all 8 billion of us, healthy or sick. We’re not given a choice in the matter. But we can choose what we do with the life we’re given.

So, let’s never stop swimming. On difficult days, we might dip below the surface for a while, that’s okay. But we are fighters in pursuit of living so we come back up. We keep breathing, keep moving, and, no matter what, we stay out of deep water.