Leaving the Bubble

On day +25,  I was finally able to leave the hospital. Released. Free to sleep in my own bed, spending only days at the cancer center’s various clinics. As overjoyed and excited as I was to be free from the constant annoyances that come with long hospital stays - the beep beep beeping IV poles, those predawn 4am blood draws - you know what I am talking about -  I was also scared out of my freaking mind.

For the past 25 days, I had been sequestered to my little room, allowed only to wander the 18th floor and nothing further because, well, germs!

What if something goes wrong?

In the hospital for that inpatient stay, I was constantly checked, constantly monitored - I mean everything was monitored, my vitals, my pee quantity, my pee color and more, much more. TMI! I know. True, but kinda gross too.

And then on day +25, I was given the okay to leave this bubble of the 18th floor and return home. I had the okay to leave the germ free zone and go back out into the germ-filled world.

It freaked me out.

I did not feel ready to be out on my own, away from those constant, annoying vital checks and 4 am blood draws. Don’t get me wrong. I was ready to sleep in my own bed and relax on the couch but I was freaked out that something would go wrong and I wouldn’t have that button to press on my bed for a nurse to come running.

Finding my mantra

That first night I slept at home was the longest night of my life. What if I stop breathing? What if I spike a fever? What if I throw up?  Those thoughts just danced around my head all night until finally I came up with a mantra:

My body is strong.
My body is healing.
I am okay.

I repeated these words to myself over and over and over and over again until I finally fell asleep. I repeat these words every night to fall asleep. They aren’t anything fancy. They aren’t anything but words. But saying these three positive affirmations every night until I fall asleep help to calm my busy mind and remind myself that my body is strong, it is totally healing, and that whatever was happening this day, whatever test results I am waiting on, I will be okay.

I have these words that will help calm me down from whatever it is that is bothering me at the moment.  I truly believe that if you think positively, you allow yourself to see the positivity around you. Find your mantra, your words that will help clear your head and calm you down.