A Persistent Cold and Fatigue Sets In

Well, it hasn’t been a great couple of weeks. After I wrote the post about still feeling good on a double dose, I noticed some things. And they aren’t great.

My eyes. I am aware of them all the time. Slightly burning, but not really. I feel every blink. I can feel their weight in my face.

Heaviness. It’s back. My lack of focus. It’s back. Everything being an effort. It’s back.  Feeling tired the minute I walk out the front door in the morning. It’s back. Having to bully myself into walking the dog. It’s back. Needing to sit on the tube. It’s back.

A cold that won't quit

And, I have had a persistent cold that has REFUSED to go no matter how much garlic and lemon tea I drink. (And all the other stuff I do. And in the nicest possible way, I’m not looking for immune boosting tips.). Although saying that, I’ve hardly coughed today, so, maybe it has finally decided to sod off!

And I’m fed up. I feel very teary a lot of the time. It’s the hectic time of year where I haven’t had enough holiday. It’s because I hit the ground running far too much of the time and cram in too much. I know all this.

I am, however, fed up of this. I thought I had my life back.

But…I don’t know.

Needing sleep but wanting to live my life

I also know I need to sleep more. I have always loved my sleep and slept more than my siblings. I used to take myself off to bed when I was little to read before falling asleep whilst my brother was running around the house. But I had that little glimmer of what life could be like just over 2 weeks ago when I was on half the dose I’m on now. And yes, I did way too much. And yes, I am still on an incredibly strong medication that is taxing on the body. And yes. I am a complete f**tard. But, what’s wrong with wanting to do it all?

I’m also 34 in two days. And my last reference point of being ‘normal’ was 21. So, of course, it will be different. I don’t know what’s normal. I know what I want to do and get so frustrated when I can’t.

I’ve managed an 11-hour sleep and a couple of 10 hour sleeps this week that has definitely helped.  I just need to be more rigorous about going to bed earlier and getting as close to 10 hours sleep, or more a night.

And I also know that having a cold makes you feel rubbish and tired.  But it was just the sniffles, nothing bad.  And I don’t think it would make you feel as exhausted as I have been this last week or so.

Yes, I'm angry

And I’m angry about it. And sad. And mourning what I had that has now gone. And yes, I am feeling a bit self-indulgent in this pity moan of mine. I think it’s also my birthday. I don’t care that I’m going to be 34. I don’t think I’m old. I just thought my life would be so much different to what it is. 35 next year. F**k. And what do I have to show for it? Compared to most I know? Not much. And I know you shouldn’t compare yourself with others. And I know I’ve had a lot to deal with. And that my career pathway has been very different from others. And I know I have so much.

It’s just sometimes, well, I wish I had what most of my friends and family have. And I am struggling with that this week. A lot.