An Honest Account of Feelings

I’ve been really noticing my feelings lately. And as I look back on the last 17 years since I was first diagnosed with hairy cell leukemia, I realize that I have run the gamut on emotions. I’m sharing some of them here.

Fear…

I think this is one we can all relate to, especially at the time of first diagnosis. I remember fearing that I might not go home from the hospital, maybe not see my kids graduate, get married, have kids of their own. I had fear that I would be alone and unable to take care of myself. I feared needles my whole life, so a blood cancer diagnosis felt like a cruel prank. I could go on and on with the fear list!

Anxiety…

All of my fears really brought this one on. Awaiting a blood draw or sitting through a blood transfusion really made me feel uneasy inside in the beginning of my journey with leukemia, not to mention bone marrow biopsies and chemo infusions. Worry about money and my physical abilities brought on a sense of internal panic. I stressed over every new sensation or change in my body. My worrisome thoughts would often overcome me.

Sadness…

There were thoughts of why me? I would see people on TV and think of how unfair it was that they got to be out in the world, and I was stuck at home or in the hospital, unable to be around others. I cried when I couldn’t make it to my son’s swim meets. I felt sorry for myself in general.

Acceptance…

After struggling through denial during a relapse, I finally came to a place of acceptance. This chronic leukemia may not be fun, but I accept that it is part of my journey. I accept the fact that I get to live a pretty normal life in between the bouts of leukemia I have experienced. I accept that it’s not fun, but I have handled it well, even when feeling the more difficult emotions. I accept that I’m still here and mostly thriving.

Gratitude…

I am able to see the small things in life that bring me comfort and be so thankful for them. I am in awe and thank my dishwasher, washing machine and all of the conveniences that make life easier every day. I am grateful for all of the people I have met as a result of my blood cancer diagnosis. I am grateful for a new way of looking at life.

Joy…

There’s no doubt that the lows have been low, but as a result, the happy times are also much more joyful. I actually HAVE made it to see my kids graduate, get married and give me grand babies. I’ve gotten remarried myself, and I’ve traveled a lot. I have noticed how much more wonderful all of this feels after living through 3 bouts of leukemia. There is so much to be happy about!

I guess my point is that much like seasons of the year, feelings and emotions come in and out. We somehow weather the storms, and we usually get to feel the sun on our faces again. Storms will always show up in one way our another, but so will rainbows. Some days we will recognize the rainbows, and some days we won’t. We may just have to grab a paddle and ride the storm for a while, and it may wear us out. But whatever is going on within us and around us, it is part of life to simply feel whatever it is we feel.