Holding Pattern

As I was talking with my friend currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer, it reminded me of a feeling I had during my treatments. She shared that she felt like everyone is traveling and having fun, and she is stuck at home, suffering from side effects from her chemotherapy. The conversation conjured feelings I had in those exact moments a few years ago.

Living a parallel life

There is a sense that one is in a holding pattern during the journey through cancer treatment. When the diagnosis comes, there is often a rallying of friends and family to support you, if you are lucky. Meals are prepared and delivered. Supportive gifts received. Then as the patient trudges through treatment, the rest of the world moves on.

I remember feeling a profound sense of loss for the time that stood still for me during treatments. While fighting my battle with Hodgkin lymphoma, I missed so many events and moments with my children, husband, and friends. I didn’t expect the world to stop turning for me, but I had never noticed it turning before. I had always been part of the world, and I was on my own journey for those months.

I felt like I was living a parallel life while everyone else was moving on with their days. I was going for chemotherapy and radiation and doctor appointments and wearing masks (before the pandemic made them expected), and everyone else was living. I was in a holding pattern, trying to hold onto my life while the world kept going.

The lucky ones are set free

My friend shared that same notion. She, too, lays in wait for months as life moves on without her. She is working as much as she can through the fatigue and time for infusions, but even the work routine cannot make the time march faster.

The holding pattern of treatments is a fight for life that crawls as we cling to the goal of survival. Some of us are the lucky ones released from the holding pattern and allowed to fly free in remission, while some crash and are consumed by cancer. The lucky ones are set free from the holding pattern, yet held hostage by fear we may be pulled back down by cancer again. We live our lives gratefully and keep the fear at bay by getting back in and living the life we are gifted.