A Blinding Flash of the Obvious
It was a sunny, slightly cool, slightly warm, somewhere in the mid-70s day. I was driving to a job I loved. I felt great. Everything was right with the world.
Then I ran a red light.
No cars were coming. There was no cop in site. No one knew about my stupid stunt. But I knew. I grumbled and swore out loud. “What an idiot! What the hell’s wrong with you? You could have killed someone. You could have gotten a ticket. Geez. Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
The rest of the way to work all I thought about was running that light. I slammed the car door, stomped into the office, and tried to duck past the receptionist.
“Good morning, Jim. Isn’t it a beautiful day?”
I gave her a half-smile. “Yeah.”
Starting the day off on the wrong foot
Thank god I had a private office. I could sit and stew without having to talk to anyone. It was going to be a long, dreary, frustrating day. I didn’t want to be there.
Half the items on my To Do list were marked in red; everyone thought their project was the most important. Deadlines loomed ominously. It should have been called the Too Due list.
Sunlight flowed through the window but my dark mood blinded me to it.
The office was filled with all the goodies I needed to produce the work I loved. Cameras, tripods, lights, a video editing station, and the only Apple computer in the whole company. This was the most creative, fun job I’d ever had. But, like the sunlight, I couldn’t see any of it. I was too busy beating myself up.
Letting a few seconds darken my whole day
It took me four hours, but by lunchtime things felt better. A warm breeze flavored with the pleasant scents of Summer greeted me as I stepped outside. Why did I have such a bad morning? What was wrong with me?
Then I remembered the red light. Yes, it was a stupid mistake but no one was hurt. In fact, it was a blessing I survived the whole episode.
Suddenly, I had a blinding flash of the obvious. I’d let a few seconds of failure blacken my whole morning. I allowed my feelings to rule my thoughts.
That was years ago, long before I had leukemia. I was young, healthy, and had the best job in the world.
When blood cancer darkens my day
Now I’m older, I no longer work there, and I have cancer. I haven’t run a red light since then but still find ways to ruin my day. Feelings of frustration, fear, worry and anger dangle above me like forbidden fruit.
And I admit, there are days when I pick one of them and squeeze every ounce of darkness out of it. But mostly I try to remember the red light and how I'd given myself permission to sulk.
My feelings, good and bad, will always be with me. It’s difficult to control them. But my thoughts, well that’s a different matter. I can choose where they go. I don’t always succeed but when I do, when I don’t let my feelings control me, then Summer or Winter, it’s a good day.
Community Poll
Have you taken our In America Survey yet?
Join the conversation