Beginning to Feel Like Me Again

Last updated: February 2019

Well, I know you won’t believe it if you have read many or any of my blogs.  But, I feel happy!!!!!  I have been treatment-free for a week and the exhaustion has faded 3 days sooner than I thought it would!  In the past, it’s taken 10 days for me to feel like me, and this is AMAZING!!!!!  I don’t just whinge and write sad and depressing reflective posts.

Remembering what it feels like to be me

I noticed it yesterday.  I had a busy day and massage clients finishing late and then walked home and I didn’t feel completed f***ed.  And considering how awful the last couple of weeks have been with fatigue, and to be fair Monday wasn’t that great and Tuesday and Wednesday were really bad, so to feel how I feel it’s just... well, I’m me again!  And I love this.  I remember who I really am.  And it feels so good to be able to get through the day and not want to cry.  To not worry about being able to sit down.  For not having to mentally bully myself into everything.  To not have to worry about doing to much or wondering how I’m going to find the energy to do what I need to do.

I feel lighter.  It’s so hard to describe.  I don’t feel like I’ve been punched in the face.  My eyes don’t burn.  I haven’t had to chain-drink tea and coffee.  I was able to match the pace of the Labrador I look after rather than constantly have to pull him back on his lead as I can’t keep up.

Considering a stem cell transplant

I have laughed and smiled and really felt it.  I do, believe it or not, laugh and smile a lot, but it doesn’t feel light and carefree.  And today it does.  And I love it.  It gives me hope.  Reminds me who I am.  The negative self-talk lessens.  I don’t get so fixated on the things I can’t change.  It’s all ok.  It will be ok.

When I feel like this, it makes me remember why the transplant is so tempting, and that I could do it.  I could get through the aggressive and intensive treatment.  It would be worth it.  To feel like this all the time. Why wouldn’t I do it?!

Well, because it might kill me and I might be worse the other side….

So I am me for the next week.  The next 7 days I shall enjoy it.  I shall relish in the fact that I can get by on 9 hours sleep and not want to cry for the entire day.  I will enjoy the lightness. The happiness.  The being me again.

Back to reality

Someone said to me today how nice it is to see me like this. They’ve never seen the real me before.  Only the exhausted lesser version.

And in a week I start the new drug.  And we shall see how it goes.  I hope that it won’t be horrific.  I hope that it won’t immediately annihilate me.

I just hope.

And so for 7 more days I will really be me.

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