Yelling at God

Some of us have a secret we seldom share. When we learned we had cancer we were numb at first, then worried, then afraid. And then the anger came.

We yelled at God.

I’m not saying everyone has done this, but I did and I don’t think I’m alone. It was, for me, more than just the news I had leukemia. My father had recently died of lung cancer and a very stressful time in my life ensued soon after.

Frustration and anger brewed within me

I remember I was standing in the kitchen. Except for me, the house was empty. I was mad, very mad.

Frustration and anger were brewing deep within me. Suddenly I looked up at the ceiling and swore at God, shouting to the heavens with all the rage my vocal cords and lungs could muster. I can’t remember another time when I was that angry.

The funny thing is I’m an agnostic, which means I don’t know if God exists or not. I don’t see any proof either way. He might or he might not. That’s where I’m at right now.

You may have noticed though I still capitalize His name and pronouns. I was raised a Christian and still have hope that He is there. Yes, I still pray. Maybe I’m hedging my bets.

Needing someone to blame for my leukemia

Either way, on that day I really needed someone to blame. The words I said are not fit for this post. I’d probably get sacked if I wrote them.

I’m hoping if God is real He hasn’t sacked me already. Being fired by God…hmmmm, probably not too good.

I’ll tell you one thing I do believe. If, in fact, He does exist, I think He’s like a father who loves His children so much He lets them have tantrums from time to time. I guess the Old Testament doesn’t entirely support that view but there’s always hope. Right, Dad?

A normal reaction

If you’ve done something similar and found yourself ranting towards the sky, it is a normal reaction to the news you have cancer. Whether it’s leukemia or any other type, your illness is not just a physical thing. It damages your emotions too.

But you are not crazy. Nor are you sentenced to hell. Your feelings are valid. They may be expressed in fear or sadness or even anger but they are real.

Yes, Job had issues worse than mine and he never cursed God. And that was when God actually had a hand in letting him become ill. Well, Job was a better man than I. Still, I have hope that God understands my situation.

Please be patient with us

So, God, if you’re out there, be patient with us. They say your wisdom passes all understanding. Well, that pretty much explains it. We don’t always get you. Whatever your grand plan is, we can’t always see it.

To paraphrase Tevye’s song:

Lord who made the lion and the lamb. You decreed I should be what I am. Would it spoil some vast eternal plan? If I were a healthy man?