Things Aren't Enjoyable When We Can't Enjoy Things

I was at an appointment with my oncologist. We were comparing symptoms and side effects like rashes, nausea, fatigue, activity level, and diet. My oncologist said he was concerned about depression because he sees it so much in cancer patients. I wondered: Is depression a side effect?

I’ve been a blood cancer patient since 2011. I have had two treatment breaks since then, as of my writing this, followed by two aggressive relapses. For a short time in between, I felt normal again. I had energy, appetite, and I was enjoying the things I used to do. It was great!

Then the walls came tumbling down again. First came bruising, then mouth sores, then infections and so on…

Comparing treatments and side effects

While talking to my oncologist, we compared the different treatments I had taken. With Gleevec I had an awful upset stomach, and my skin was easily infected. With Nilotinib I developed the craziest neuropathy. It felt like electric shocks, and my fingers and left foot were completely numb. With Sprycel I developed rashes that covered my chest, neck, and hairline, resulting in UV therapy when nothing else worked.

As of my writing this, I take Asciminib, and I’m hoping for the best.

Is depression the diagnosis or the outcome?

When my oncologist asked about depression, I was stumped. I mean, it can be depressing, sure, but is depression the diagnosis or the outcome? I can’t say that I am depressed; I can only say that conditions are difficult and that difficulty doesn’t make life easier or better. Things just aren’t enjoyable when you aren’t able to enjoy things. It’s just that simple.

I think to be anxious when we are dealing with difficulties is incredibly normal. To be depressed when something is depressing just makes sense. Our situations and the conditions we live under have consequences. The anxiety is a result, the depression the consequence.

Mentally we are strong. The condition brings weakness. That’s my take on it.

So much can affect our mental health

When it comes to anxiety or depression, the conditions we live with make a big difference. There are symptoms, and side effects, and so much complicating our health. Finances can affect our health. Relationships can affect our health. Navigating the healthcare system can affect our health, too. It’s all connected.

There’s a swirling dervish of actions, and consequences, and things we deal with that are out of our control.

I think there is an expectation somehow that we be the same: the same employee, spouse, parent, etc., even though cancer literally runs through our veins. But that’s too much for everyone to expect. We are who we are with cancer now.

When conditions improve, so do I

One thing I know is that when conditions are good, we do well. When conditions are not good, we don’t do so well. Since 2011, all I’ve tried to do is improve the conditions I live with. That’s what treatment is to me. When the conditions improve, so do I.