It Is Me or My CML Diagnosis?

Writing about this is very personal and I’m actually fine about putting it on the internet for strangers to read. Years ago on my personal blog, I wrote about a relationship and my father was very worried that I was really exposing myself and that I could be opening up myself for more hurt. But I have never experienced any hurt from writing my blogs with the comments I’ve had. I find the process of writing, even if I’m upset when I write with tears streaming down my face, too therapeutic to not do it. I always feel a sense of peace after writing. A load is always lifted. And recently, I have made a very significant decision. So today, I shall write about it. To make it real. To make me stick to it. I need to stick to it. It’s time.

Is my relationship status because of my CML or because of me?

For nearly a year and a half, I have been with someone. But it’s not an official being together. There is no label of being a couple. He is very insistent that we are not together.  But if you were to see us together and the way we are, there is no way you would think that we are anything but together. He has his reasons and I understand them, which is why I have been happy about how things have been since it started.

But this year I am 35. And this scares me, well maybe that’s a bit strong, but I am hyper-aware of turning 35 and what that means on so many levels. And where I thought I would be by now on a personal level, that hasn’t happened. This hasn't happened mainly because of my diagnosis. It has hindered things. Or at least I think it has. And it’s easier for me to think that’s the case because, if it’s not the leukemia, then it’s just because I’m me. And I don’t want to think that. I don’t want to think ‘what’s wrong me with me? Why doesn’t anyone want to be with me for me? Why have I ‘failed’ and haven’t been able to buy my own home yet?’. So I put it all down to my CML diagnosis, which really has impacted on all of this.

I never thought life would end up this way

I never thought I would be 35 and still without a husband and children. Not that this defines me, but it's what I want. So I have made a decision. A hard one. One that I don’t know if it’s feasible. Or what the impact will mean. But I’ve done it in the hope that the universe listens and what I want becomes my reality. I haven’t written about my angels for a long time, but I hope they are listening.

November 25th is my 35th birthday and if my non-relationship (in terms of label, etc.) is still as it is right now, then a very serious conversation is going to be had. It will be time to make a decision. Are we really just friends and being like a couple finishes and strict boundaries are implemented. Or are we together? I want to have a baby next year and I am fully committed to doing it on my own if that’s what happens. And I have flagged this. I will do it on my own with a sperm donor. I won’t let being on my own get in the way of me being a mother. I have eggs frozen so half the process has already been done. I just haven’t mentioned that there is now a deadline. I’m not going to either. Shifts are happening and I’m happy to see how things progress until then. But then that’s it!