Awareness Month Happened Again... And I’ve Still Got Blood Cancer

Last updated: October 2020

And it happened again! Another September. Another Blood Cancer Awareness Month. Another 30 days of blood cancer focus, which is a good thing. I’m not going to lie though, this year I got a bit bored of it. My passion for it was definitely more diluted that last year. Maybe because it’s another one of the many on the horizon where I will still have blood cancer.

People don't recognize the impact of blood cancer

I also feel that in the UK, the press doesn’t care about blood cancers. Maybe I’m just being a bit meh at the moment and should just cheer the f**k up. It just seems that all the focus from the media and NHS initiatives is on other cancers who, according to public opinion, have the worst survival rates and need support more than we do. Without a doubt, there are some that get things before we do who should. I’m just getting a bit fed up with how people don’t realise the impact of blood cancers. Don’t even realise there are blood cancers.

Preaching to the crowd here I know.

Wishing I could move on from my CML

And I know what’s really getting to me and it’s only just clicked now whilst writing this. Funny how you get a realization when writing about how you feel…

Someone I know, a very good friend of mine, had their 5 years since diagnosis and finished treatment in September. Meanwhile, I was going through Blood Cancer Awareness Month and CML Day and still having the f***ing thing. They are clear. They are no longer a cancer patient.  They are free. They can carry on with their life completely and utterly knowing that there is no evidence of disease. It’s gone.

And I want that.

So much.

I admit it... I'm jealous

And that’s what the problem in.  I’m jealous. Really jealous. And angry and fed up and frustrated and so bored of it all.

I was talking to another friend as they have had a life wobble and I did flag with them that my life was taken away from me in so many ways when I was 22 and actually they have nothing to moan about.

And yes, that might have been insensitive of me. Everyone has their stuff to be dealing with.  I should stop being such a victim with my thoughts so much of the time. I do have a lot. I have so much compared to so many. I am lucky in many ways.

What would my life have been if not for blood cancer?

It’s hard not to wonder sometimes, though, about how it might have been. Or if I’d had an acute version and got through treatment and out the other side ok without GVHD. How my life would be if someone else had had that diagnosis on that day. What I would be doing. Who I would be. What my life would look like. Maybe it would be very similar. Maybe it would be completely different.  Maybe I would be unhappy and actually, my diagnosis was the best thing to have happened to me. The right thing.

I just don’t know. So here’s to 11 months until the next Blood Cancer Awareness Month.

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