Annoyance and Anxiety Make A Strange Cocktail

When you are 12 years out – meaning 12 years from the date of your stem cell transplant – you’re not going to have the same checkup anxiety as when you were 12 weeks out. You might not even realize you are anxious at all. But going into your cancer center is, at least in my opinion, going to come with some undercurrent of anxiety.

I thought of this the other night as I was preparing to go for my first checkup in seven months. The long gap was, of course, due to the pandemic. I have had more frequent dermatology checkups and procedures but have not had a blood test since my visit over the winter. I told my sister I thought they forgot about me! She said they of course hadn’t. How could they when I am a poster person for their good work in giving me four stem cell transplants? And it’s a good thing not to need to be seen so often.

I had almost forgotten about it when getting ready for bed. That’s a far cry from the early days when I would get so nervous the night before that I would need an Ativan. Then I got a whiff of anxiety. This was combined with a good dose of annoyance coming from an area of my life that usually only has good vibes: tennis. I’m not sure what kind of cocktail you get when you mix a whiff of anxiety with a dollop of annoyance. The people who name the cocktails might come up with something creative.

Unusual turbulence

My cancer center, The Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, is in Boston, the eastern end of Massachusetts. I am in South Hadley, about an hour and a half to the west, with no traffic, which of course is never, so let’s say two hours. In between is Worcester.

On Wednesday I needed to see a dermatologist in Worcester. This doctor specializes in fingernails. (Mine are a wreck but that is another story.) I could have continued on to sleepover at my sister’s house in the Boston area so that I would be there for my Thursday checkup at Dana-Farber. But I had a meeting with the tennis committee at the Holyoke Canoe Club, my usual happy place where there was some unusual turbulence. The chair of the committee had invited me. This is near my house, so I came back because I didn’t want to miss it.

The meeting was at 7. I waited about 20 minutes, but nobody showed. I went home and wrote an email to the guy who had invited me. I said it was just me and the bugs at The Canoe Club. (Insert frowny face.) He said he was so sorry. He had made it a Zoom meeting with the tennis committee and forgotten to put me on the list. There are too many reasons for this being messed up to even say. He is a super nice guy so it’s hard to stay angry with him. But it was a big inconvenience... and exhausting. Because the next day I had to get back in the car and drive to Boston.

Annoyance, anxiety, and salt water

I had been getting rides, but during the pandemic I let the paperwork expire. If I want the rides again, I will have to use a virtual battering ram to get through the phone system of the provider. At least half the drivers were crazy, so it’s almost easier to drive myself. I had asked my boyfriend if he wanted to drive me to Worcester and he said no! I’m a big girl so there is really no need. I don’t want him driving me all over the place. I had asked him to drive me if I need a dermatology procedure, and he said yes.

In any case, by the time I arrived in Boston for my checkup, I was in no mood for an encounter with a rude check-in guy. On top of that, it was my first visit back after my favorite doctor died in a tragic accident. My words for the rude check-in guy were mixed with tears. Now the cocktail was annoyance, anxiety, and salt water.

I have run out of space so in Part Two I will tell you what happened.