You Can Go
As I stood in front of the audience at the TR Ranch that brisk October evening, I thought about life and how it has a way of surprising you.
If you had told me five years ago that I would be on a stage singing a cancer song, or any song for that matter, I would have said you were crazy.
How did I, a rather introverted person, wind up there? Interestingly enough, I can thank cancer. Cancer? If you’re wondering if you read correctly. Yes, I did say cancer.
In 2016, I was diagnosed with two types of cancer. My doctor noticed elevated blood levels during a routine lab test. He referred me to a hematologist. She diagnosed me with a rare blood cancer called polycythemia vera. I had barely absorbed this before I was hit with another setback a couple of months later, a diagnosis of invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer). Sigh…not one of my better years. A rather challenging time of chemo, treatments, surgeries, and procedures followed.
Moving forward after cancer
Since most of my pre-cancer activities, like running, were no longer viable, I searched for alternatives for my “new normal.” Fortunately, it seemed opportunities for cancer survivors came knocking at my door. First, there was the Voices of Recovery writing workshop with Curtain Up Cancer Foundation. I took a spin as a model with Hope on the Runway. Then I followed that with fly-fishing with Casting for Recovery. All of these events helped me move forward.
I joined a Veteran’s songwriting group called Soldiers Songs and Voices in early 2019. They sponsored an annual songwriting event for the military called Reveille Retreat at a ranch in Hallettsville. With a love of music and secret desire to be a singer-songwriter, I jumped at the chance to attend.
Retreat at the ranch
On the first evening of the retreat, I realized that I was clearly out of my league. Most of the Veteran attendees had written songs, were no stranger to performing, and a few had even recorded albums. Then there was me. Even before cancer, I was only an average guitar player at best. Now, with neuropathy in my hands from the chemo, I struggled to play even the simplest chords. Brain fog made it difficult for me to concentrate and remember songs without the music right in front of me. However, the incredible support and patience from other attendees quickly overshadowed any doubts.
I knew even before I arrived at the retreat what kind of song I wanted to write; an upbeat song about not letting a cancer diagnosis defeat me. However, I had never attempted to write a song... ever. I was randomly paired with an incredible singer-songwriter, Mary Bragg.
She asked me about myself and what direction I wanted to go with the song. As I shared my long cancer story and things I had been involved in since, her eyes filled with tears. I looked at her a bit puzzled. She said that her mom had breast cancer and was currently undergoing chemo. I started tearing up too, and at that moment I felt some form of divine intervention had brought us together.
Within forty-five minutes, we outlined a song with a beautiful melody and lyrics. The “hook” of the song, as it is called in the songwriting world, was You Can Go.
I went back to the room and cried. Not from sadness, but from overwhelming joy. It was hard to describe all my emotions during that time, but I was thrilled beyond words that I had an integral part in writing a song!
Singing my cancer song
I apparently didn’t read the fine print when I applied to the retreat and didn’t realize that the last night we performed a song we wrote. Wait! What? What did I get myself into? Short of several concerts when I was a kid with our “captive family fans,” I had never performed live. Here they wanted me to sing in front of not only an audience, but a group of professionals in the music world. Yikes! But I did it!
Strangely enough, cancer has given me a sense of confidence. And singing my song? What an extraordinary rush.
It was one of the best weeks of my life. Not only did I learn the songwriting craft from some of the finest artists, but I also built many amazing friendships. Sharing my story through music was unbelievably therapeutic.
It’s been almost a year since I had my big stage debut with You Can Go. Since then I have played the song to several smaller groups. I wanted to do more with the song and the theme You Can Go, but ironically, we can’t go...anywhere. Despite that, I continue to move forward.
To all my fellow cancer survivors… you can go!
What type of blood cancer are you or your loved one diagnosed with?