Back in the Burg

I love Edinburgh it makes my soul happy in a calm way. I spent 4 years here. I say here as I’ve been back for a wedding this weekend. It was a magical time. It’s a magical city. I was so young but felt so grown up when I lived here. I knew it all.  10 years after graduating with my ‘fake’ degree, I see how little I knew.  How much there was still to learn.  The confidence that the young have is amazing.  Sometimes, I wish I could do it all over again, but with the knowledge that I didn’t actually know it all and I wasn’t that grown up!

My time here is also so poignant because it’s where I got that phone call. That Friday evening. Cancer.

Then everything changed.

Part of me wants to move back here. When talking to people who I studied with, they feel the same. But, it’s so far from London.

The upside of London

I truly love London. It’s also magical, just in a much more crazy and stressful way. London makes me happy.  Really happy.  I’ve been here for nearly 10 years and I’m not fed up of it. I”m not resentful of the tube, or the traffic or the madness.  Walking over London Bridge still makes me feel so grateful to be here.  I love, truly love, the area. I love it.  I’ve been in the same flat for nearly 3 years and I would be heartbroken to have to move somewhere else.  It’s where my tribe and my vibe is.   I’m near my siblings and my nieces in London. I can see them regularly and have baby cuddles whilst they are little. I would miss that if I was in Scotland.   And at the moment, they are the children I so desperately long for.

I also partly wonder if the longing to move back is rose-tinted. Living in a city as a (pretty much) carefree student surrounded by friends is very different to being an adult and working in a city. I don’t want to ruin the magic of Edinburgh.  I want to keep it that special place.

The downside of Edinburgh

It will always be so special to me. Even with the challenges I had with the University after my diagnosis and a truly awful consultant. The pain days are also my Edinburgh days. Having to move back home as I couldn’t look after myself, when I was told I was so lucky and I would never know I was on medication. Going to ‘God’s waiting room’ for my weekly check-ups. Being ignored and not listened to as I was about 50 years younger than everyone else there.  Everyone would stare at me when I walked in because of how young I was.  The staff couldn’t believe I was the patient.  When I first went with my mother, they thought she was the patient and spoke to her instead of me.

This is all Edinburgh, as well.

So much happened in this wonderful city of mine. And I became who I am now whilst I was here. And that will always be with me.

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