2 week’s later and I’m still paying for having a weekend full of fun. Even though I’ve had multiple 10 hour sleeps and a 13-hour sleep. It’s ridiculous. I’m functioning on caffeine and refined sugars, which I hate doing.
I hate this so much. And I hate the fact that this is why I don’t do fun things. Because it smacks me in the face for days after.
I knew it had come to a point where I had to ‘give in’ and go back to my parents when I phoned home and cried because I was in Pret and couldn’t decide what I wanted for lunch. I knew I was hungry but didn’t feel it so I couldn’t work out what I wanted. My mother told me what to get. Like I was 5 again…
A day away from being an adult
I was already planning to come home for a long weekend but had decided to try and do work, and to just get a lunchtime train instead of an evening one.
Last night at home with my parents, the tears came that I’ve been holding in for so long culminating in, “I hate my life. I want a different one. This wasn’t what I was supposed to get.”
After 11 hours sleep, I feel better. The emotional release. Acknowledging how I really feel in a space where I can. Having supper magically appear, not having to cook and wash up, and be an adult. And now… I’m still lying in bed listening to podcasts, a mug of tea appeared, and I don’t have to do anything other than get up.
I know I need to do this more often. I, as my father pointed out yesterday, have a challenge. And that is being the offspring of two very determined and driven parents. My siblings are also very driven and achieve an awful lot every day. And I am hindered by a body and a brain that won’t let me do all that I want. All I want to achieve. All that I could. And it’s beyond frustrating.
The draining impact of fatigue
I have ideas of all these things I want to do with my work. All these great ideas. And they take forever to execute because of my energy levels. Or I give up trying to do it.
So I loved my weekend in Edinburgh. That city is so magical and so important to me. It’s where I met some of my best and most precious friends. It’s also where I had to learn to adjust and let go. My diagnosis there threw my career plans and degree out the window. And I’ve had to learn to let go of so much more since then.
I love having fun. Laughing. Dancing. Being with friends. It makes me so happy.
And then I have to deal with the fallout of not enough sleep. And sometimes it makes me question why I allow myself to have fun. And it also reminds me why I have to be so selective with when I go out. Cancer is a f******er in many ways and its impact really shows itself in the downside of having fun.